Brave

Great Spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
- Albert Einstein

 

Have you ever thought that a particular season of suffering in your life would never pass. It seems like I have been through many  trails over the past 7 years and I began to think this would be my life. As if there was  a poster with my face on it and the caption read, "Poster child for enduring".  It really felt as if God was picking on me... but I have come to understand the God was picking out of me ways of thinking that held me back. I came to realize this over the past year.

 It began with examining my thoughts. 


"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

2 Corinthians 10:5 NLT

clue's of what I realized that my thoughts did not line up with Gods truth. My reactions to current circumstances became the evidence and the needed change. 

Our nature always bears witness to what we believe in our hearts. 

At first, my nature was to hunker down and lower my expectations, so I could be satisfied by merely surviving. Then I would find myself fighting in my own strength to manipulate the circumstance so it would end the way I needed it to. Both ways of thinking were motivated by fear...hmmm..not of God! 

"There is no fear in love." - The Apostle Paul

First clue, my motivation of fear needed to be changed to a motivation of love! It seemed foolish at the time to hope again for a good ending, but I believe that is what God was calling me to do. My new nature was calling me to hopeful remembrance and new vision. 

"The world can be kind, and it can be cruel. It can be beautiful, and it can be appalling. It can give us good reason to hope and good reason to give up all hope. It can strengthen our faith in a loving God, and it can decimate our faith."

- Frederick Buechner

As I looked back in remembrance of the past 7 years, a lot has happened. I could look at two ways, the old way (motivated by fear) or in a new way (motivated by love) A lot of destruction, or could it be clearing away things that hindered me? It is easy to look through the eyes of fear at all of the evidence before you to assume all is lost. It's also not very hard to find others who will agree with you. Settling for less is so easy after you present your case to all who will listen. Their response is always agreement with sympathy, "Oh my, you have been through so much, you deserve a break. I would never get out of bed if I were in your shoes." This response invites me to a world of apathy that cause's me to live as a victim. In this world we are focused on our circumstances and the pain they cause. This is the wrong focus because it never allows us to look above them to trust the one who is in control of it all. Think about it, there is more than enough suffering in the world..it's overwhelming! It will keep us in a merry-go-round cycle all of our life ..If we let it. It comes down to choice. 

You choose!

A victim never thinks they have choice. They believe that bad things just happen and they have to deal with it. It's really the path of least resistance. 

Choosing to hope requires courage, vision and patience.

I'll share a time where remeberance and new vision helped me look up to trust in love instead of looking down to fear. We had just moved into our new home last year. The move was an unwelcomed circumstance in our life, but Gods finger prints were all over it. The house we lived in ten years prior to the move  was located on Battlefield Road, our new home is now located on Stillwaters Drive. ..hmmm,  makes you think. I believe that God was making a clear statement to our family that our season of battling was over. It is now a new season of stillwaters, rest. It has not been an easy transition of thinking. Often, I find my thoughts drifting back to the old way of thinking. It happens when we have new struggles. I want to agree that we will always struggle, but I know God wants me to agree that He is bigger than my struggle.

When we moved into the new house, we  decided to get a new puppy. We needed something that prompted us to love. We adopted a sweet dog and her name was jewels. She brought much joy to our house. It is amazing how a dog can remind us of what  "unconditional love" looks like. A small but welcomed change in our house. Jewels was part bulldog, and part beagle. Her nature was to hunt. If she caught a scent she was easily lured away from the safety of our yard. Yep, again she was lured away and hit by a car. She took her last breath as we brought her back to the house. I know dogs get hit by cars everyday.. no big deal. This was a big deal for me. All we were looking for was a little happiness.. and this had to happen? Really, God? Here we go.. I guess I am the poster child for suffering. As my thoughts gravitated to this way of thinking, I remembered thinking.. no, we live at stillwaters now! This is a time of rest and regeneration! I will not agree the enemy.. My thought was never again will I go through this.. no more grief .. no more dogs! Then I felt hope calling out from my heart, no, I do want another dog. She brought so much love and joy to our home. This desire was motivated by love, not fear...It took courage to stay with that hope, but I'm glad I did. Today we have a new puppy, Bella, and she has brought hope, faith and love back into our home and hearts. I'm learning to lean on hope these days and that is making all the difference. 

This snapshot reveals a glimpse of what hope looks like. It takes courage to enter into this reality.  It requires us to envision something that is not there yet. If you have something already, you don't need to hope for it (Romans 8:24). And can you see how hoping causes us to love in ways that would not be possible without a new vision of what might be? The anticipation of hope is always life giving.

"Love bears all things, hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things"

-1 Corinthians 13:7

Terrible beauty

"Yearning for God is not safe if you want to stay as you are. If you yearn for God, a sacred presence will begin to fill you. It will hover over you, nudging you to a new and eternal life. It will mean, of course, a radical change from your old lifestyle, for God will come and upset your entire life with a haunting presence, a presence that is both terrible and beautiful. It will be terrible beauty." - Macrina Wiederkehr

I want to be honest about the journey of faith, hope and love. Mostly because I want others to see that it's a lifelong journey. You don't learn to walk by faith without understanding that it's a learning process. It takes practice and yes, you will mess up and make many mistakes along the way. You will realize in the beginning just how scared you are to fail. For me, if I knew I couldn't do it right the first time I wouldn't do it at all. Really all this did was keep me from trying new things. I say all this to explain how hard it was for me to accept the process of learning how to walk by faith and not by sight.

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the up coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Let me share with you one of the first ways God showed me how to fix my eyes on the unseen to allow Him to begin making new life in me with His unfolding grace.  Scribbled on the 5th page of my 1st journal written at the beginning of my journey.

PRAY  >  HOPE  > GRACE  >  FAITH  = RIGHTEOUSNESS

I believe God gave me this example or formula to think of as I was allowing God to work in me. Now, let me be very clear, I am not trying to fit God into a formula. This was just a tool God gave me to help me understand the process and helped me be patient during the process. 

This is how I read the formula : 

Julie, pray for hope (hope for any concerns, fears etc. in my life).This opens the door to my heart to allow grace (Jesus) in who will do the work of faith on the inside of me. To produce righteousness from me. 

This is how I see it working.. kind like a washing machine. I will have a difficult circumstance in my life. I will pray to God for hope concerning this circumstance. God gives me hope to hold onto while grace works out the bad in me until it becomes good.. or righteousness...more Christ like than world like. For example, I might have angry or bitter feelings towards someone. My clue that God needs to work on me is the feeling of bitterness.. I pray about the  situation, allow Him to work. If I begin to worry again about it during the day, I remind myself that I have given this over to Jesus and He is working it out. I know He has changed me when bitterness has changed to the need to forgive. This process can take a while...but it helps me to focus on watching the change in me instead of the change in my circumstance. 

The first time I remember seeing this formula help me was about 6 years ago. I was dealing with someone I love very much. I was trying to help them through a tough time where they had made bad decisions that had cause a lot of unnecessary pain in their life. My intent was to help by offering kind words of encouragement and an action plan for help. All I received for hours were objections, cut downs... It was just one big fight. After a couple of hours my heart was so tired, I just wanted to give up. I was just about to walk out and I remembered my formula, I also heard God say, "Hold on, I'm not done yet". Right after that I received a text message from a good friend. This person had no idea that I was in a "battle" . The message was- "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."-Hebrews 11:1 As I read this I knew that God was going to do something.. just not sure what. I dropped my head to pray silently to myself as more uncomfortable moments of silence passed  and then I heard "Why do you still love me when I act so bad?" My heart nearly jumped out of my chest.. I ran over and gave the biggest hug and said I will always love you no matter what you do. My job is to love and help you!

My heart changed from bitter to compassion all in that one moment. I will never forget how terribly beautiful it was! The process is kind of like the video clip above. Keep going and never give up because you may just find that you can do this walk of faith and end up in the in zone one day!

   

Hope

"Start with the end in mind"
-Stephen Covey

I heard Jesus speak to my heart yesterday. He said, "It's time to tell your story." I wrestled with this all day. My biggest concern was that my story doesn't  have a hopeful ending just yet. Then He reminded me of what He has been teaching me for the past seven years..

How to walk by faith and not by sight.

 It has been especially hard for the past 3 years. Our family has experienced new losses that produced suffering that felt almost as bad as letting go of Jacks presence while here on earth.

At the beginning of this year, I found myself pondering over how everything had settled. It seemed as if God had let me go through a season of letting go of everything I held  dear to my heart. It's storm like destruction blew through my relationships, my reputation,  and my financial security until all that was left was a blank canvas. It seemed a bit hopeless. I felt stripped of all that was familiar to me and was beginning to think this was my destiny. I remember one morning feeling very defeated as I was asking God about my future. I could not see one in sight for myself. He reminded me of another time when I had felt this way, it was after Jack's death. He then asked me a question. Julie, do you remember the weapon I gave you to fight against the despair of grief? My thoughts went back to my first journal written in an ordinary red spiral notebook. The first sentence of my journal was,

 "There will always be war until the heart changes".

 I prayed for my heart to change so the war with in me would stop. I questioned why God  would allow such tragedy to fall upon my family. His reply to me was, pray for hope. He showed how praying for hope opened the door to my heart and invited Grace in ...He was changing my heart to feel more like He did than I did.

He began teaching me that hope is what we hold on to while grace does the work of faith in us, changes us to be more like Christ, this we cannot do for ourselves.. Only Christ can do it, but we have to invite Him in to do the work. 

I believe that God was showing me how this new season of loss was leading me to despair. By  definition, despair is the opposite of hope. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. I know from my past experience with God that He works all things for the good of those who love Him. I know that He has plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. I know He is love. I know He loves me. I know He is a God of great promises and He cannot, will not lie to me. So with that being said, I believe He is asking me to hope again. I am a little fearful to hope because what if my hopes don't turn out the way I hoped? C.S. Lewis said it best, "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." As I prayed that morning, I confessed my fears to hope, left them at the feet of Jesus and promised Him I would pray again for hope that would  open the door of my heart again to His grace. I also agreed to begin to tell my story with this end in sight... that no matter what it looks like I know God's glory will shine bright for all to see His good and mighty work in and through my life. 
Today I will be obedient to tell my story of hope. Not yet by sight, but by faith I will stay focused on the horizon of hope to discover my new land!

Against all odds

"The victory is not whether we hold our gold cup - 

the victory is whether we gave our hearts to it" -Unknown.

It has been a while since my last post and honestly I thought I would never be back. 

The last two years of life in my home were stacked with more loss, more heartache and more why's for God than I ever could have imagined possible... especially after what we had already been through! I wanted a break from my circumstances and God wanted a break in my heart. My perspective was distorted for while during the past season but today the eyes of my heart are learning to see things in a WHOLE new way.

The journey from hollow to whole is a life time journey. It is journey of being perfected, not perfect. Perfection does not exist on this earth. 

We are all in the process, and so many times I forget! It get's frustrating when circumstances are piling up one after another to an unbearable load on your back and not one of them can you control. I think many can relate, even if your story does not include the death of a child. The dreams of a happy life, well planned out by an optimistic 19 year old girl are now a shattered mess in the middle of my heart. What does one do when facing heart break after heart break. I found myself weary and scared to hope for anything good. I was beginning to believe that live today was to be endured until Jesus came to get me. I started to think I was the poster child for  trials. Yep, you guessed it, I wore that label until I had had enough. It was time for war.. I had come to far to pitch camp in the land of lovelessness and mere toleration! I was ready to fight my way back to the land of respect and love! 

My prayers to God were, "please Lord don't let me give up!" At times I did not sense God at all, but I kept crawling closer to Him. Days of not hearing him turned into weeks and months. My heart was breaking because I thought He had given up on me to live with this mess. For a while, I tried to manage the circumstances. this was good.. it led to meltdown. Subdued by the weight of my problems I cried "UNCLE". I asked the Lord, "What is it you want from me?" He said, "Everything". He was in the process of taking everything out of my life that filled the hollow hole of what made me feel valuable. I had come to a place where I felt like I had failed at everything in my life. I had no desire to do anything, not even cook! ( and I LOVE to cook) I began to talk to Him about the deadness I felt in my heart. I heard Him say"I will give you the desires of your heart, I am emptying the ones that keep hurting you." He wanted me to hand over to Him my broken heart full of all my broken dreams to give me a new heart binded back together with new desires and unbreakable dreams. 

The heart work is the hardest! Mostly because it requires doing work that only you can see with Christ's help. It requires you to trust the process of the "work of faith". The only person qualified to do this work is grace (Jesus). When we allow this work to be done with in us it changes our bad into good. He removes the seeds that produce bad fruit and replants seed to produce good fruit. bitterness and lonelyness begin to die and peace and joy begin to sprout up. What makes this process even better is when circumstances are still the same and your producing new fruit! 

I am determined to move forward wanting only God's best for me and my family... I will not settle, I will not endure. I know today my only control over anything in my life is how I allow myself to change from the inside out. My hope is that it may encourage others to follow along. 

I am devoted to the pursuit of truth, everyday asking myself- what are the areas in my life where me and truth are not joined as we should be? Knowing the truth has brought freedom in my life today and I'm glad to be back!

"So love can live to tell the tale."

"Love"

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (msg)

My heart always finds it's way back to this song at this time of year. The one lyric in the song that grabs my attention is,"So give me strength to die myself, so love can live to tell the tale". I love the intent of this statement. More than anything,My desire is that love lives to tell my tale. It is so easy to focus on hurt and selfish desires to save face and self protect. I have learned the hard way that when I do that.. the story ends cold, the problem usually isn't solved and no one ever wins.

Thank you Jesus for allowing love to tell your tale. Allowing yours to end so that mine could begin and never end.

"Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved."

Barbara Johnson

Tempted by fear to reject the strength given to us by God.

Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions.

~Hāfez

I came across an interesting fact the other day. Fear is a temptation. It is offered to us by our enemy in the midst of trying circumstances. I had never really thought of fear in this way. A temptation? I thought temptations were suppose to be shinny, pretty items that were hard to resist. I think of Eve and how she was tempted by the most beautiful red and perfectly ripe apple. I can almost hear the crisp snap of the apples skin breaking open as she bites at the bate laid before her.Just so you know, for me the apple would have been much more tempting if it had been covered in caramel. The shinny apple analogy, we can all understand. It's something we desire. Choosing to be a coward is not. Fear tempts us to stand still instead of charging forward when we hear the trumpet blow.

I will not lie to you, I have been struggling lately. It has been a time of testing, letting go and dyeing to my reputation. I find this a hard testing period. Especially after everything we've been through. I feel as if I am holding on to the knot tied to the end of my rope. Fear keeps me here, maybe I should let go. Holding on could be holding me back. My fear only allows me to focus on my competition at the starting gate. It whispers to me, "Julie, they are all much stronger and faster than you. Don't even try to run this race. You will only lose." Once again, I am tempted to stay put and play it safe because I believe that I am weak. Maybe it's time to put the blinders on at the starting gate. Focus on the course ahead of me and realize the strength inside of me. God built me to be like the stallion, strong and powerful, excited by fear, to charge the gate when the trumpet sounds.

I know it's not just me that is tempted by fear. I hear so many stories of others who struggle as well. It seems that many of us are going through trials of faith. My heart is heavy, but holding on. Something that lifted my head of discernment the other day (just to let you know...my discernment awareness these days is on an all time low!) Yet, God is still near when we don’t sense Him. So... My eye, heart opening word that I wanted to share came to me as I watched the clip above. Did you know that temptation comes in all packages? I did not know that a temptation was for me to fall into pity about my circumstances. To fall, means he (my tempter) wins. Truth is.. I am like the race horse mentioned in the clip above. I am strong, fast and I should not shy away from the sword! To give into the temptation of self pity means I don’t understand... who’s I am and what I was made to do!

God says's..“Do you give the horse his strength or clothe his neck with a flowing mane? Do you make him leap like a locust,
striking terror with his proud snorting? He paws fiercely, rejoicing in his strength, and charges into the fray. He laughs at fear, afraid of nothing; he does not shy away from the sword. The quiver rattles against his side, along with the flashing spear and lance. In frenzied excitement he eats up the ground; he cannot stand still when the trumpet sounds." ~God~ Job 39:19-24

Maybe, I'm the Jockey and the horse is the Holy Spirit. My job is to hold on tight, His job is to bring the strength needed to win the race.

Going Deeper - A teacher I never expected

"For I consider that our present sufferings cannot even be

compared to the glory that will be revealed to us." Romans 8:18
Life after the death of a close loved one should come with a guarantee.. To be easy and pain free from this point on.. We have endured enough pain, been dealt an unfair hand and deserve a "pass" that would ensure us no more struggles. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Pain is part of this world and life is in the business of handing it out on a daily basis. Walking through this world with Christ doesn't make the pain go away or stop the daily attacks directly targeted to deaden our hearts. Walking with Him does help us focus on future glory to be able to endure the many heart aches produced by this world.

At this point of my journey, I'm a little lost. A new place, a new struggle. I feel like I have moved far away to a new place that I am not familiar with. It's been hard to find God in this new land. It is really a strange place to be, after being so close to Him, I feel now that He is so far.. Yet, I know this is not true. I realize that this new struggle is an opportunity to grow and mature and move closer to God, which will strengthen He and I’s relationship..I also see larger than life my lack of ability to love others well. Selfishness, pride and my need to control some part of my life are constantly trying to justify my hurting heart to be bitter.. some days they win.. but I always return to the thought of “it’s too late to turn back now”.. It’s not possible to forget that we know who wins in the end. So the question is ..how do I focus on future glory to endure present suffering? My heart is asking this question because it lacks the ability to love unconditionally on it’s own. Honestly, I did not know this was even in me… In the past, I could always find a small bit compassion that would change my heart.. now it seems like my heart has become numb.. it wants to stop hurting.. it wants to self protect.. I am not sure if I’m up for the battle? Yet, I know God know’s that I can do it.. I am afraid but I want to do what is right and just through His heart and not my own. So I find courage from a quote in the movie trailer above.. "The only way to stop them, is to face them." The only way to face them is to adapt and evolve. Which means returning to the spiritual gym for some new conditioning and training by a teacher I never expected...