This song captured my attention this past week as I faced the familiar feelings of betrayal. One of my habitual boundary crossers accused me of another lie that keeps their life in constant turmoil. It was wrapped in its usual packaging of blame fabricated by a false reality. I asked, why would you say this about me? The answer, well I didn't know at the time it wasn't you. No apology, no attempt to correct the mistake just another conversation redirected to remind me of what a bad person I am and how I've never been any help.
I found myself being sucked back into the swirling tornado of trying to reason with a lie.
It begins with hey, this is not entirely true. I remember other events that led to this outcome. Your heart wants to make sense and reveal the truth so you can move through this conflict. The boundary crosser wants no part of this process because looking at the truth at this point is too hard. Living in their false reality is safe and has become the truth from which they live.
I've learned something through this-
Boundary crossers use their false view of love to manipulate you to give yourself sacrificially until there's nothing left to give. Then they get mad when there is nothing left to give. It's maddening!
This reminds me of a class I took on boundaries. Our textbook for this class was "The Giving Tree," by Shel Silverman. The room was occupied by ten women whom I consider to be the most giving and caring people I have ever met. They have been a part of my life for over a decade and the bond we share is loss. The story of loss is different for each woman, but the common thread we share is the deep desire to live a life full of abundant joy. I have deep admiration for each woman in this group. They are fighters and over-comers because they have rejected the temptation to wave their white flag and surrender to the ease of living as a victim to their circumstances.
As we began our journey reading through the giving tree, I was shocked at how this children's book revealed a very unhealthy relationship. The plot is this: a tree loves a boy over the course of his lifespan and, to satisfy his desires, she gives him everything she has—her apples, her leaves, her limbs—until she has reduced herself to a stump. I remember thinking, I don't want to be a stump! I want to be a tree that see's the danger of enablement and the value of growing into a big beautiful oak tree.
So, do I continue to give?
or
Face the hard choice to grow?
Growing requires one to examine the reality of where we are, how we got here, and where we want to grow to. So when my boundary crosser gave me this ultimatum- "I want you back in my life, but I want to forget the past"- I knew the request was asking me to give and not grow. The reality of that statement is the boundary crosser never wants to look at their part of the past, but they will remind you of how your part of the past has led to all the failures in their life. They refuse to heal the bleeding wounds of the past. And I refuse to continue getting bloody and bruised by them any longer.
Do you see the hypocrisy? Good because your boundary crosser never will.
This incident revealed a few wounds of my own and some suppressed anger and unforgiveness. I hate the lies and the one-sided narrative being told. I am reminded of how crazy it makes me to try and reason with lies. I found myself questioning if my prayers were being heard. It feels unfair and like I don't have a voice to defend myself against the accusations. I know I can't control others actions and thoughts, but I can control mine. And I knew deep down I have some work to do.
When I layed my head down on my pillow the other night, I made myself listen to this song. I was restless and wanted to forget. As I listen to the lyrics I was reminded of the title of my blog and why I started writing many years ago. I felt hollow, and I wanted to be made whole. I then heard a still small voice say- Julie, I see the anger in your heart. I understand the hurt, and I see your deep desire for healing and reconciliation. Then I saw Jesus and I standing shoulder to shoulder standing behind a line drawn in the sand. He said - This line is your resolve for reconciliation. It may never happen
because it takes both parties to reconcile. Julie, I promise to stand with you toe to toe and fight with you. But there is one request I ask of you because it is your responsibility in this process. Forgiveness is something you can control - reconciliation is something you can't control. So if you want to continue on your journey from hollow to whole - you must forgive.
because it takes both parties to reconcile. Julie, I promise to stand with you toe to toe and fight with you. But there is one request I ask of you because it is your responsibility in this process. Forgiveness is something you can control - reconciliation is something you can't control. So if you want to continue on your journey from hollow to whole - you must forgive.
So, here I go.. Another reason to grow...
To be continued
VERSE 1: Hold me now
In the hands that created the heavens
Find me now
Where the grace runs as deep as Your scars
You pulled me from the clay
Set me on a rock
Called me by Your Name And made my heart whole
VERSE 2: Lifted up
And my knees know it’s all for Your glory
That I might stand With more reasons to sing than to fear
You pulled me from the clay
Set me on a rock
Called me by Your Name
And made my heart whole again
CHORUS: So here I stand
High in surrender I need You now
Hold my heart Now and forever
My soul cries out
POST-CHORUS 1: Once I was broken
But You loved my whole heart through
Sin has no hold on me
‘Cause Your grace holds me now
VERSE 3: And that grace
Owns the ground where the grave did
Where all my shame
remains Left for dead in Your wake
You crashed those age-old gates
You left no stone unturned
You stepped out of that grave
And shouldered me all the way
POST-CHORUS 2: Once I was broken
But You loved my whole heart through
Sin has no hold on me
‘CauseYour grace holds me now
Healed and forgiven
Look where my chains are now
Death has no hold on me
‘Cause Your grace holds that ground
And Your grace holds me now
