Betrayal and Boundary Crossers

This song captured my attention this past week as I faced the familiar feelings of betrayal. One of my habitual boundary crossers accused me of another lie that keeps their life in constant turmoil. It was wrapped in its usual packaging of blame fabricated by a false reality. I asked, why would you say this about me? The answer, well I didn't know at the time it wasn't you. No apology, no attempt to correct the mistake just another conversation redirected to remind me of what a bad person I am and how I've never been any help. 

I found myself being sucked back into the swirling tornado of trying to reason with a lie.

It begins with hey, this is not entirely true. I remember other events that led to this outcome. Your heart wants to make sense and reveal the truth so you can move through this conflict. The boundary crosser wants no part of this process because looking at the truth at this point is too hard. Living in their false reality is safe and has become the truth from which they live. 

I've learned something through this- 

Boundary crossers use their false view of love to manipulate you to give yourself sacrificially until there's nothing left to give. Then they get mad when there is nothing left to give. It's maddening!

This reminds me of a class I took on boundaries. Our textbook for this class was "The Giving Tree," by Shel Silverman. The room was occupied by ten women whom I consider to be the most giving and caring people I have ever met. They have been a part of my life for over a decade and the bond we share is loss. The story of loss is different for each woman, but the common thread we share is the deep desire to live a life full of abundant joy. I have deep admiration for each woman in this group. They are fighters and over-comers because they have rejected the temptation to wave their white flag and surrender to the ease of living as a victim to their circumstances. 

As we began our journey reading through the giving tree, I was shocked at how this children's book revealed a very unhealthy relationship. The plot is this: a tree loves a boy over the course of his lifespan and, to satisfy his desires, she gives him everything she has—her apples, her leaves, her limbs—until she has reduced herself to a stump. I remember thinking, I don't want to be a stump! I want to be a tree that see's the danger of enablement and the value of growing into a big beautiful oak tree. 

So, do I continue to give? 

or 

Face the hard choice to grow? 

Growing requires one to examine the reality of where we are, how we got here, and where we want to grow to. So when my boundary crosser gave me this ultimatum- "I want you back in my life, but I want to forget the past"- I knew the request was asking me to give and not grow. The reality of that statement is the boundary crosser never wants to look at their part of the past, but they will remind you of how your part of the past has led to all the failures in their life. They refuse to heal the bleeding wounds of the past. And I refuse to continue getting bloody and bruised by them any longer.

Do you see the hypocrisy? Good because your boundary crosser never will.   

This incident revealed a few wounds of my own and some suppressed anger and unforgiveness. I hate the lies and the one-sided narrative being told. I am reminded of how crazy it makes me to try and reason with lies. I found myself questioning if my prayers were being heard. It feels unfair and like I don't have a voice to defend myself against the accusations. I know I can't control others actions and thoughts, but I can control mine. And I knew deep down I have some work to do. 

When I layed my head down on my pillow the other night, I made myself listen to this song. I was restless and wanted to forget. As I listen to the lyrics I was reminded of the title of my blog and why I started writing many years ago. I felt hollow, and I wanted to be made whole. I then heard a still small voice say- Julie, I see the anger in your heart. I understand the hurt, and I see your deep desire for healing and reconciliation. Then I saw Jesus and I standing shoulder to shoulder standing behind a line drawn in the sand. He said - This line is your resolve for reconciliation. It may never happen
because it takes both parties to reconcile. Julie, I promise to stand with you toe to toe and fight with you. But there is one request I ask of you because it is your responsibility in this process. Forgiveness is something you can control - reconciliation is something you can't control. So if you want to continue on your journey from hollow to whole - you must forgive. 

So, here I go.. Another reason to grow... 

To be continued 

VERSE 1: Hold me now 

In the hands that created the heavens 

Find me now 

Where the grace runs as deep as Your scars

 You pulled me from the clay 

Set me on a rock 

Called me by Your Name And made my heart whole 

VERSE 2: Lifted up 

And my knees know it’s all for Your glory 

That I might stand With more reasons to sing than to fear 

You pulled me from the clay 

Set me on a rock 

Called me by Your Name 

And made my heart whole again 

CHORUS: So here I stand 

High in surrender I need You now 

Hold my heart Now and forever 

My soul cries out 

POST-CHORUS 1: Once I was broken 

But You loved my whole heart through 

Sin has no hold on me 

‘Cause Your grace holds me now 

VERSE 3: And that grace 

Owns the ground where the grave did 

Where all my shame 

remains Left for dead in Your wake

 You crashed those age-old gates

 You left no stone unturned

 You stepped out of that grave 

And shouldered me all the way 

POST-CHORUS 2: Once I was broken 

But You loved my whole heart through

 Sin has no hold on me 

‘CauseYour grace holds me now 

Healed and forgiven 

Look where my chains are now 

Death has no hold on me

 ‘Cause Your grace holds that ground 

And Your grace holds me now

LOVE SWEEPS LOW

"But I found heaven as love swept low"

I love this song.

It is often my prayer in the morning because it reminds me of my path to and with Jesus. The words are humble and remind me of who I was when I met Him. The words deliver a powerful message to those who feel like they have climbed their ladder of life so high on their own to ever meet Jesus. For some of us, He meets us when we least expect it and don't feel like we deserve it. Climbing on our own always leads to a fall and it's not such a bad thing if you know His love sweeps low.

Honestly, falling this side of Heaven comes with a feeling of condemnation, guilt, and shame. No-one likes to fall or feel like a failure, but it's part of life. It reminds me of the false narrative we are teaching our kids before they leave our homes to go off to college. We say to them, a 4.0 GPA is just average, you can't afford to make a "B," you must study, memorize and regurgitate, and DON'T even think of failing because it's final and there is no value in it. Today, I see so many young adults afraid to take a risk and do something that might be out of their comfort zone. If they don't know how to do it 100% before they start they don't do it at all.

Fear has a funny way of whispering, "No, just stay comfortable & play it safe. You don't ever want to look like you don't know what you're doing." Living from fear slowly teaches us to build a neat and tidy box to live in so we can control our environment. We know how to do the things in our box, so we never feel the sting of failure.

I can say this because I lived it for many years. I thought I was a risk-taker and lived life to fullest, but when my neat little box blew up I learned something - Within the boundaries of the box, I felt alone and was climbing the ladder of my life in my own strength. I was tired and unchallenged and felt like I didn't need God because He didn't need or want me. As I look back, I can see the reason I thought this way about God was because I thought my GPA with him might have been a 1.0 at best.

Do you see how our false view of failure hands us the blueprints to build the prison box of comfort and safety? God sees failure way different than we see it. He sees opportunity and possibility in failure. It opens up the perspective that we don't know it all or need to know it all, and we are not alone, don't need to do it alone and understand that we can't do it alone.

All that being said, I was reminded this week as I was giving the invocation for our local government chamber meeting, that Jesus will ask the one who feels least worthy to represent Him. The fear of failure tempted me to ask, why me?  There are so many others to pick from who represent you better.
I quickly saw the lines being drawn for the boxed living and remembered - there is no fear in failure and Jesus always picks people who are willing to share the story of redemption rather than one of perfection.
He wants us to know he loves us and it's ok to fall because when our knees hit the ground, His love sweeps low. We must remember, He traded Heaven to have us again.

TOUCH THE SKY - HILLSONG UNITED

What fortune lies beyond the stars
Those dazzling heights too vast to climb
I got so high to fall so far
But I found heaven as love swept low

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

What treasure waits within Your scars
The gift of freedom gold can't buy
I bought the world and sold my heart
You traded heaven to have me again

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

Find me here at Your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender
Come sweep me up in Your love again
And my soul will dance
On the wings of forever

Find me here at Your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender
Come sweep me up in Your love again
And my soul will dance
On the wings of forever

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

Find me here at Your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out I surrender
Come sweep me up in Your love again
And my soul will dance
On the wings of forever

Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky
When my knees hit the ground

When the cup doesn't pass

"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. 
Yet not as I will, but as you will."

Matthew 26:39

When the cup doesn't pass- then we are left to face the problems it holds. 

A few weeks ago I felt like to Lord gave me a word as I was getting ready for the day. The word was simple, yet it was a word that I felt like could be the title of a book written about my life. It is also a word that the Lord is teaching me to use every day as I look down at the cup that is still in my hands. 

The word and the picture below keep me focused on who shows up when the cup doesn't pass. He gently puts His forehead upon mine and whispers, Julie - You must go "through" with me. I'm here with you, and I care deeply about the cup you hold.

I am the one offering it

and the only way is through. 

This word was given to many others who were called to walk "through" when their cup didn't pass. Adam and Eve wanted to hide, but God met them, clothed them and showed them another way. Sahra tried to go her own way and still, God walked her through to make good on His promise. Abraham walked through as his heart broke into a million pieces to find that God would provide another way, a ram. One of Moses cups was to walk through as the red sea parted before him. Joseph held his cup for 2 more years as disappointment begged him to put it down. His focus walked him through to a position that would save many. And then Jesus shows us a clear picture of the cup and how to move through when it doesn't pass. 

"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will."

Matthew 26:39

The commentary of this verse says that when Jesus prayed for the cup to be taken the spirit checked him and His prayer moved to yet, your will not mine. 

I thought to myself, how many times do I pray for the cup to pass and wait .. I don't move on to the yet, your will not mine. The cup stays, and I wait... it's a place where I get stuck. I'm waiting, and God is saying drink it because the only way is through. The cup holds a bitter problem and I don't want to surrender and drink. 

We see an impossible problem and God sees how His presence makes all things possible. 

God works "through" us- 

"Christ in you, the hope of glory"- Colossians 1:27

Through- moving to one side and out the other side. An opening, channel or location. Stepping boldly through the doorway. It is a word that indicated movement into one side or point and out another, especially the opposite side. From one boundary to another without stopping. 

Christ in you desires to lead you through. 

Surrendering to the cup requires a reckoning with the disappointment of not getting our way.

We must balance the books with this truth- 

Every problem has the potential to teach us something. Its purpose is to transform us to take the next step towards freedom and destiny. 

Every problem can be a stumbling block that will cause you to fall if you react with distrust or defiance.

The cup offers you a choice- 

Will you trust and focus on my presence to lead you through the problem? Or will you distrust by focusing on the problem willed not to move until it passes?

The truth will open your mind to the possibilities and benefits of drinking the cup.

When you drink from the cup, it allows Christ in you,  to work all things together for our good. 

Our Father indirectly works for our resurrection by allowing us to drink from the cup, feel the weight of the cup so that we might understand the purpose of the cup is always for our good. 

The cup presents itself only because there is a solution. 

I love the lyrics to the song above, "There was another in the fire". It is such a good reminder that we never drink the cup alone. He is always with us showing us the way through.