Hope

"Start with the end in mind"
-Stephen Covey

I heard Jesus speak to my heart yesterday. He said, "It's time to tell your story." I wrestled with this all day. My biggest concern was that my story doesn't  have a hopeful ending just yet. Then He reminded me of what He has been teaching me for the past seven years..

How to walk by faith and not by sight.

 It has been especially hard for the past 3 years. Our family has experienced new losses that produced suffering that felt almost as bad as letting go of Jacks presence while here on earth.

At the beginning of this year, I found myself pondering over how everything had settled. It seemed as if God had let me go through a season of letting go of everything I held  dear to my heart. It's storm like destruction blew through my relationships, my reputation,  and my financial security until all that was left was a blank canvas. It seemed a bit hopeless. I felt stripped of all that was familiar to me and was beginning to think this was my destiny. I remember one morning feeling very defeated as I was asking God about my future. I could not see one in sight for myself. He reminded me of another time when I had felt this way, it was after Jack's death. He then asked me a question. Julie, do you remember the weapon I gave you to fight against the despair of grief? My thoughts went back to my first journal written in an ordinary red spiral notebook. The first sentence of my journal was,

 "There will always be war until the heart changes".

 I prayed for my heart to change so the war with in me would stop. I questioned why God  would allow such tragedy to fall upon my family. His reply to me was, pray for hope. He showed how praying for hope opened the door to my heart and invited Grace in ...He was changing my heart to feel more like He did than I did.

He began teaching me that hope is what we hold on to while grace does the work of faith in us, changes us to be more like Christ, this we cannot do for ourselves.. Only Christ can do it, but we have to invite Him in to do the work. 

I believe that God was showing me how this new season of loss was leading me to despair. By  definition, despair is the opposite of hope. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. I know from my past experience with God that He works all things for the good of those who love Him. I know that He has plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. I know He is love. I know He loves me. I know He is a God of great promises and He cannot, will not lie to me. So with that being said, I believe He is asking me to hope again. I am a little fearful to hope because what if my hopes don't turn out the way I hoped? C.S. Lewis said it best, "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." As I prayed that morning, I confessed my fears to hope, left them at the feet of Jesus and promised Him I would pray again for hope that would  open the door of my heart again to His grace. I also agreed to begin to tell my story with this end in sight... that no matter what it looks like I know God's glory will shine bright for all to see His good and mighty work in and through my life. 
Today I will be obedient to tell my story of hope. Not yet by sight, but by faith I will stay focused on the horizon of hope to discover my new land!