Against all odds

"The victory is not whether we hold our gold cup - 

the victory is whether we gave our hearts to it" -Unknown.

It has been a while since my last post and honestly I thought I would never be back. 

The last two years of life in my home were stacked with more loss, more heartache and more why's for God than I ever could have imagined possible... especially after what we had already been through! I wanted a break from my circumstances and God wanted a break in my heart. My perspective was distorted for while during the past season but today the eyes of my heart are learning to see things in a WHOLE new way.

The journey from hollow to whole is a life time journey. It is journey of being perfected, not perfect. Perfection does not exist on this earth. 

We are all in the process, and so many times I forget! It get's frustrating when circumstances are piling up one after another to an unbearable load on your back and not one of them can you control. I think many can relate, even if your story does not include the death of a child. The dreams of a happy life, well planned out by an optimistic 19 year old girl are now a shattered mess in the middle of my heart. What does one do when facing heart break after heart break. I found myself weary and scared to hope for anything good. I was beginning to believe that live today was to be endured until Jesus came to get me. I started to think I was the poster child for  trials. Yep, you guessed it, I wore that label until I had had enough. It was time for war.. I had come to far to pitch camp in the land of lovelessness and mere toleration! I was ready to fight my way back to the land of respect and love! 

My prayers to God were, "please Lord don't let me give up!" At times I did not sense God at all, but I kept crawling closer to Him. Days of not hearing him turned into weeks and months. My heart was breaking because I thought He had given up on me to live with this mess. For a while, I tried to manage the circumstances. this was good.. it led to meltdown. Subdued by the weight of my problems I cried "UNCLE". I asked the Lord, "What is it you want from me?" He said, "Everything". He was in the process of taking everything out of my life that filled the hollow hole of what made me feel valuable. I had come to a place where I felt like I had failed at everything in my life. I had no desire to do anything, not even cook! ( and I LOVE to cook) I began to talk to Him about the deadness I felt in my heart. I heard Him say"I will give you the desires of your heart, I am emptying the ones that keep hurting you." He wanted me to hand over to Him my broken heart full of all my broken dreams to give me a new heart binded back together with new desires and unbreakable dreams. 

The heart work is the hardest! Mostly because it requires doing work that only you can see with Christ's help. It requires you to trust the process of the "work of faith". The only person qualified to do this work is grace (Jesus). When we allow this work to be done with in us it changes our bad into good. He removes the seeds that produce bad fruit and replants seed to produce good fruit. bitterness and lonelyness begin to die and peace and joy begin to sprout up. What makes this process even better is when circumstances are still the same and your producing new fruit! 

I am determined to move forward wanting only God's best for me and my family... I will not settle, I will not endure. I know today my only control over anything in my life is how I allow myself to change from the inside out. My hope is that it may encourage others to follow along. 

I am devoted to the pursuit of truth, everyday asking myself- what are the areas in my life where me and truth are not joined as we should be? Knowing the truth has brought freedom in my life today and I'm glad to be back!