Wednesday, December 23, 2015

I will trust here in the mystery


"Heroes"
Amanda Cook

This.
This song captures my journey. I awoke today, December 23, 2015, and found a gift. I have been waiting a long time for it.  I knew it was coming, because it was promised to me. 

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."  
        Philippians 4:6-7

The gift is peace. Not just any peace, but peace that surpasses my understanding. It came slowly over time but has shown up today in a way that I can't explain or understand. This day is a day of remembrance for my family. A day that a very special little boy moved into a new home. One that His Father had been preparing for him since the beginning of time. It was a day we will never forget. One that began very bitter but has been sweetened over time because He has brought healing to our hearts.

As I unwrapped my gift this morning, one thought kept running through my mind. "Wow, how can it be? The sharp pain of grief is gone." I'm still sad, and I never want that feeling to go away. I will always miss Jack. But, the isolating, crippling pain that I once lived with is gone.  I can't really tell you how it happened. There is no formula for this kind of healing. It was given in small amounts along the way. There are many pieces to this puzzle. 

Some of my pieces looked like this: 
Time alone in the wilderness with Jesus.
Attending a grief share group. 
Slowly welcoming and accepting my new community of fellow grievers. 
Realizing my grief is hard for others to watch and it may push them away for a season. 
Counseling is a lifetime investment
Serving others in need
Allowing truth/Jesus to transform the way I think, see, act and believe. 
I'm sure there are more pieces, but those are foundational. 

This morning, as I thought about the peace, I heard Jesus say, "Tell your story, it gives hope to the one's behind you." I know there are many who need hope. They need to know that someday their grief will lift and the pain will not always sting so bad. The one's looking for hope will find it in Jesus, just like I did. 

My story looks like this today. My family is together and we are all under one roof:) That is a miracle in itself! I hear the laughter of two sisters who are happy to be together. That gives me such unexplainable joy. I also hear, I love you's from so many of you who have helped us carry our grief. Thank you for hanging in there with us! Also, our family members are all at different parts of their journey. Some are more sad today than others, and that is OK. We will laugh and we will cry. We will talk about Jack and wonder what he would be like today if he was still here. Just this morning we were arguing over what kind of clothes he would wear. Would he be preppy or sporty? Ha!, We still have not come to a conclusion. Today we will meet each other right where they are on their journey. We will allow the breath of God to renew our hearts and prepare us for another year of walking this out. With each year we learn a new part of the bigger story. And, that makes this journey worth it!

I'm going to end this journal entry now so I can go laugh, and maybe shed a few tears with my peeps. May hope and peace fill your hearts today. Merry Christmas to you all!!

Love the Peck's

                                                    Can't wait to kiss that face again!



The lyrics to the song above are so good. Read them and allow them to transform you.
Let the heroes rest
Let the striving cease
I lay down my crown
Here at Your feet

I will trust
Here in the mystery
I will trust
In You completely

Awake my soul to sing
With Your breath in me
I will worship
You taught my feet
To dance upon disappointment
And I, I will worship

Let the weary rise
Lift their eyes to see
Your love crushing every lie
Every doubt and fear

I will trust
Here in the mystery
I will trust
In You completely

Awake my soul to sing
With Your breath in me
I will worship
You taught my feet
To dance upon disappointment
And I, I will worship

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
You are making all things new

Sunday, December 6, 2015

My Story Of Hope


"Pieces"
Amanda Cook

The song above tells of a man I met on my journey 
who has given me hope to live again. 
He is my God. A God of real tangible hope.

My story. I struggle every time I'm asked to tell my story. Why? I guess because it's hard to sit down and go over the past accounts. So many of them have withdrawals that I never saw coming. The "perfect" account of my story would be one without the debits of loss and grief. Yet, I know all too well today, in this moment, my "perfect" story will only be perfected in Heaven. 

And this, the new belief system that allows me to peacefully make the statement above is what I'm most thankful for today. My heart has been healed in ways I never thought would be possible 10 years ago. This hope that flows through me is a living miracle with in me that I want to share with the world. The seeds of hope were planted in my heart at the moment of deep tragedy. I was standing over my 4-year-old son who had just entered the gates of Heaven. He was in a wonderful place and I was being displaced from everything in my perfect little world. 


My whole life I tried so hard to be good and do the right things. I believed in God, but I lived most of my life believing He was disappointed in me. The mistakes I had made along my journey were ones that kept me at a distance from God. My belief system was, "Keep trying to be perfect, and make things look perfect" and someday HE might allow me back in. That was a lie I was believing and living from most of my life. When my 4 year old son Jack died, December 23,2004, I came face to face with a reality of this world that pushed me to seek another world. I wanted to see Jack again and Jesus offered me a better choice. When the choice was offered it was in the midst of my messy less than perfect life. I had been keeping Jesus at a distance so I could get things right and all He ever wanted was for me to see how much He loved me. 

Life is found in the way we see. At the beginning of my journey all I could see was my mistakes and heartaches. I walked around for a while in a fog of pain desperately hoping for it to lift. After trying to fix things on my own I began to look for help. God answered my prayers with people. He began placing people in my life that helped me see Jesus in a different way. Over time and with their help, I developed my own personal relationship with Jesus. He has healed my broken heart by transforming the way I see and think about Him. The only way you will find true healing is by knowing Him as loving Father. When you know He loves you and He is for you then you can think and see His way. His thoughts begin to heal our hearts to change the way we feel so we can live again with hope. 



 If you are experiencing hopeless in an area of your life, it is because you’re believing a lie. There is hope in every circumstance. Jesus offers us hope in all things. He is the one wild card you keep in your deck that can trump all the hopeless circumstances of this world. If we invite Him in He can make the impossible, possible. He only asks us to call upon Him and invite Him into the impossible circumstances. We are not required to figure things out or clean up our messy lives, that is His job. He is God, and we are human. It's just that simple. He knows our limitations and our humanness. He created us. He wants us to understand our role as humans. We need Him for every step we take to guide us and grow us along the way.


Which brings me back to the "pearl of great price” that I would like to share with you from my story. This truth given to me by Jesus has given me the will to live again. It gave me the freedom to fail and learn from my mistakes. It took away the fear to ask for help. It introduced to me a Father who wanted to help me and rewrite my story to be one of great hope. I don't have to be perfect to be part of His family. He loves me just as I am, right where I'm at along my journey. 


Did you know that one of the biblical meanings for perfect is "to mature". Our worldly definition of perfect sets us up for failure. Perfect celebrates perfection. Perfection demands that we own and master things that God only called us to manage.  The lie we must see is this, masters don’t need help. They should know how to do everything on their own and RIGHT the first time they do it. This kind of belief system built with in me a prideful independent woman who was afraid to ever ask for help. 

Being perfect is not what God expects from us. He called us to discipleship. To follow Him and learn from Him. We are managers of what is given to us by Him. He is the owner and we learn from Him how to be the manager. Managers need instruction and direction and this way of thinking takes away the pressure of ownership. He expects us to see ourselves as He sees us, a human who is frail and weak in his or her own strength and understanding. He wants to be God for us. He wants to show us the way through our circumstances that help us overcome the enemy’s intentions for our harm. He wants us to see that "perfect" to Him is when we choose to turn to Him first. I think it makes Him most proud of you when you’re not afraid to turn to Him in the midst of your less than perfect mess. It's in that very moment that He reaches down from heaven and pulls you close to His heart and loves on you until you have the courage to live again. 


He is love. He loves us and His heart for us is restoration. He wants to restore us not to be the same, but better than we were before we broke. If we have experienced loss, His promise is to restore what has been lost. I am someone who has experienced loss. I am also someone who felt like a prisoner who hoped for a long time to feel better. I can testify today that hope is now a reality. He restored me, not as I was before but so much better than I could have ever imagined or done on my own. I am and always will be a prisoner of hope. The community God gave me has been my stronghold, a place of safety to heal and grow. Within this community I was encouraged to see God's Kingdom and economy in a whole new way. In His Kingdom we learn how to fight the unseen world around us.  We embrace our weakness so Jesus can be the strongest in us and through us. We know that the people who feel like the last in this world will be first in His world. We know that resurrection life is always birthed out of the short-lived death of this world. 

There are many stories in the bible that show us God's heart for restoration. Abraham and Sarah, Joseph, Moses, Joshua & Jesus are just a few to dig into. Remember, God can not tell a lie so lean on His faithfulness until you see your own restoration. Hope is not wishing for good, hope is knowing good is coming. So we plant the seeds of hope given to us by other's testimony. We water them daily with prayer, holding on to faith and love until we can share our own story of resurrection and restoration. 

"Return to your stronghold, O prisoners of hope; 
Today I declare that I will restore to you double."
Zechariah 9:12


So, hold on you prisoner of hope. Return to the safe place of Godly community and wait patiently for the double portion of restoration that your Loving Father in Heaven is preparing for you now:) I promise, it's going to be good:) 

Below is a written piece I contributed to a book entitled 
"The Reason We Speak" - by Marybeth Whalen
It shares more about the beginning of my family’s story and how God was always with us. 

Click on the page below and it will scroll down for you to read. 

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Hello from the other side


Who do you call in the middle of the struggle?


"Hello"
- Adele

I have been captivated by this song since it came out. There is something about Adele and the way she sings from her heart that touches me. I think it's the pain I hear coming from her broken heart that touches mine. The pain that pierces through this song is haunting.. and the haunting reminded me of a great truth I've learned. And that truth has set me free. 


Jesus therefore said to those Jews that had believed him, If ye abide in my word, then are ye truly my disciples;and ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. - John 8:31-32 ASV

Ok, I never thought I would use this song to illustrate a truth on my blog. I really thought I would just continue to secretly sing this song karaoke style from the safety and comfort of my companion-less car. What is even more unexpected is that my revelation of such a truth from this song comes today, the first week of Advent. A week that begs us to slow down and remember what was given to us over 2000 years ago. It was gift that shifted the whole universe towards hope. 


Hope is hard to find sometimes if you don't know where to look or "who to call". After loosing Jack, I felt pretty hopeless. I kind of felt like the character that Adele portrays in her song above. In the video it shows a girl who goes back to a place of pain to remember. She wants to reconnect with a person from her past. Someone she loved. Someone she hurt. She calls because she wants to say she's sorry for breaking their heart but the other person never answers the phone. She comes to the conclusion that the other person is no longer being torn apart by the pain she caused. The other person has moved on.. and she is stuck in the past. 


In my situation, Jack had moved on. He moved to a place where I couldn't  see him or talk to him. He moved to a place that gave him the ultimate healing. A place where he could see me from perfect love. A place where he wasn't mad at me or angry for the mistakes I had made with him while he was here those short 4 years. Me, I was left with a death, grief, and a broken heart leaking with regrets.  When someone you love leaves this earth you think of all the times you messed up. What you could have done differently. How you could have been a better person to them. Your broken heart wants to tell them your sorry for all the pain you caused...and also to tell them how very much you loved them.


and here.. in this place we can get stuck.


Why? Is it because we believe that time heals? Time passes and it's what you choose to do with that time that heals.. if it only passes ... you will find that the pain is still as fresh as the day it was given to you. Time without intentional healing with Jesus will only leave you with a bitter heart. 


At the beginning of my journey I met many people who chose to let time pass. 20 years later they were bitter.  I didn't know much about grief and Jesus at the time, but I knew I didn't want to be bitter. I also knew that the worlds solution for my pain didn't have a suitable outcome. I wanted to see Jack again and the only One with the answer I wanted was Jesus. I began to seek Him and He began to place people in my life who helped me grow my relationship with Him. They showed me how to turn to Him first in my pain. The healing is found when you "call upon" the right person. I used to call upon Jack.. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was... The problem with that was Jack didn't see our relationship from my view point any more. He was healed of that, he now has Jesus' sight. He now See's me in a way that holds no judgment. His view point is perfect unconditional love. And over time, Jesus helped me see Jack in a new way which gave my heart the forgiveness it needed to heal. When I think of Jack today, I see him happy and healthy. I see him living an abundant life expectantly waiting for another hug. He is happy.. and that makes me happy. It took a long time for that truth to take root and grow in my heart... but I am a living testimony to that truth and to the healing it gave me by simply believing.


Intentional healing is simply turning to Jesus first.. that's all. Turning to him in your pain allows Him to grow beauty out of your ashes. 


Think of it this way.. In Gods economy the last shall be first and life always comes after death. The power that lives within you has the power to raise the dead parts of your heart back to life. Just like Jesus did right before our eyes. When we witness death it will always hurt, but Jesus gave us a gift that now gives us hope. Call out to Him when you find yourself going back to the wounds of the past. When we seek healing and payment from anyone other than Jesus we stay wounded and broke. Jesus is the only one who can ever give you the words you need to hear that will fully heal your broken heart. 


Try giving Him a call the next time you find yourself going back to the painful memories of the past.. I promise He will be there to answer the phone..
and the "hello" from the other side will give the hope needed to live again




"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him!" 

- Romans 8:15-17



Let's expect to be transformed by hope this Christmas Season! If your experiencing a hard time now, know that the good times are coming!




Wednesday, May 27, 2015

"What can I Do?"






"Little Boy" is a movie that tells the story of a 7-year old boy that is willing to do whatever it takes to bring his dad home from World War II alive. 

First of all, I just love this little boy! He is so full of life and love for his father. The two of them have the perfect relationship. It is one that is filled with epic daily adventures that produce an inseparable bond of love. The movie takes us on a journey that shows the many seasons of life. Some are filled with smiles and laughter while others are filled with heartbreak and tears. In this movie, a painful season of the promised sufferingbarges in uninvited and unwelcomedthe little boys dad is called to war and taken far away home. The heartbreak and tears provoke the little boy's heart to ask some really hard questions. The first one is the hardest one to of all … What can I do?

I chose this movie trailer because it highlights a lesson I’m learning this season. The lesson is filled with many questions. How does God see me and what am I to do?This is a familiar question that is once again going after my need to perform and to be self-sufficient. I like to please others. I usually do this by doing the things ‘theythink I should do. This process begins with picking up responsibility that isn't mine, butbegs for me to come up with a plan and solution. I was made aware of this pattern earlier this year when I was faced with a problem I couldn't solve. The fruit that came from trying to figure it out was anxiety and weariness. I was exhausted with not being able to figure it out! I remember asking, Jesus, what can I do? The same question came to mind after watching this movie clip. What in the world could this seven-year-oldboy do to bring his father back home from World War II? He's just a little boy—a child with no resources.

Well, not from God's point of view. He has inside of him a resource that is more powerful than anything here on earth. He doesn't know it yet, but God is about to show him a power hidden deep within his heart. The power comes from his will to believe. He's only required to say "yes" to the one looking for His chosen one. You see the boy doesn't try to be God. He doesn't try to figure things out or take up responsibly that isn't his. He is asked one question, "Do you believe?" and his response opens the door for God to work. God just wants him to be willing to believe. When He says yes, God shows up in His full power and starts to move the mountains of unbelief. 

Recently, God began showing me that I was missing out on some much-needed grace. I wasn't aware of it but I was doing a lot of things on my own. He shined some light on my faulty belief system. The belief was "I'm sure I know how God's going to handle this because I've seen Him do this before." I won't bother Him. I'll just get the job done. This mindset was wearing me down and overloading my calendar. I remember one night feeling so overwhelmed by the heavy yoke I had around my neck. I cried out to God and said, I can't do this anymore! I remember hearing very clearly, "Julie, I never asked to you to do my job." He began to show me that my job was to be human and to do human things, which would actually let Him be God and do God things. I was neglecting the small human things He was asking me to do because they didn't seem importantor to be God like things. He showed me that doing the small human things actually opens the door so He can do the big God things. He didn’t want me to come up with a plan to figure everything out. He just wanted me to come to Him with every circumstance, no matter how small,and give it Him. He wanted me to come as a student in every circumstance with a teachable heart. His truth revealed my deepest fear, "I didn't have all the answers." This fear has driven me most of my life. It has treated me like a slave, whipping me until the job was done. It has kept me from many adventures because I was afraid of looking stupid. God only wants me to ask for help and believe in Him for the plan and outcome. He keeps telling me, Julie, you be human and do human-like things so I can be your Savior and do God-like things. This new way of thinking exposed a question that I was always asking myself… What can I do?

I would compare myself to others who seemed more equipped to do the job. The inadequacy I felt drove me straight to ‘figure it out mode.’ Fear would fill me and take my focus off the One who was more than capable of equipping me. I never thought about asking Jesus what He was asking me to do. Now, I see that He only wants me to offer my willingness to believe To say "yes" and trust that He will provide the plan and the outcome. I needed to begin to believe Him for more than my salvation at the end of my story. Believing that Jesus is victorious in the end is good but I needed to start believing Him to be victorious in midst of my story.

One of my favorite stories in the bible is when Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. I know this may sound strange but it's not because He raise Lazarus from the dead. I've often thought, “Poor Lazarus had to come back to earth from Heaven! What I like most about the story is how Jesus saved His most powerful miracle for His close friends, Martha and Mary. When Martha met with Jesus she expressed her belief in seeing her brother again in heaven. She believed this because this is all she knew to believe in up to this point.

"Martha said, ‘Master, if you’d been here,my brother wouldn’t have died. Even now, I know that whatever you ask God he will give you.
Jesus said, ‘Your brother will be raised up.
Martha replied, ‘I know that he will be raised up in the resurrection at the end of time.
Jesus said, You don’t have to wait for the End. I am, right now, Resurrection and Life. The one who believes in me, even though he or she dies, will live. And everyone who lives believing in me does not ultimately die at all. Do you believe this?” (John 11:21-26).

Do you see Him ask Martha the question that is about to give her a new understanding of who He can be for her NOW in the midst of her story? He is inviting her to a deeper faith by asking her one question, "Do you believe?" I'm sure she struggled because her plan didn't line up with His plan. He saidthat her brother would rise again. She agreed, believing it would be at the end of her story. Then He asks Martha to believe Him for His plan and His outcome. Her reply...

Yes, Master. All along I have believed that you are the Messiah, 
the Son of God who comes into the world”(John 11:27).

She says "yes" and this is how He responds...

Jesus looked her in the eye. 

Didn’t I tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?(John 11:40).

Her "yes" positioned her to see God's glory at one of its finest moments! He blew her mind when she expressed her willingness to let go of her plans and say "yes" to His.


Again, I'm blown away with what He has given me to share with you. I just love Jesus! I love His heart for us and how He wants to take the pressure off of us. He wants us to give Him the heavy things so we can sit back to see His amazing glory!