Hope

"Start with the end in mind"
-Stephen Covey

I heard Jesus speak to my heart yesterday. He said, "It's time to tell your story." I wrestled with this all day. My biggest concern was that my story doesn't  have a hopeful ending just yet. Then He reminded me of what He has been teaching me for the past seven years..

How to walk by faith and not by sight.

 It has been especially hard for the past 3 years. Our family has experienced new losses that produced suffering that felt almost as bad as letting go of Jacks presence while here on earth.

At the beginning of this year, I found myself pondering over how everything had settled. It seemed as if God had let me go through a season of letting go of everything I held  dear to my heart. It's storm like destruction blew through my relationships, my reputation,  and my financial security until all that was left was a blank canvas. It seemed a bit hopeless. I felt stripped of all that was familiar to me and was beginning to think this was my destiny. I remember one morning feeling very defeated as I was asking God about my future. I could not see one in sight for myself. He reminded me of another time when I had felt this way, it was after Jack's death. He then asked me a question. Julie, do you remember the weapon I gave you to fight against the despair of grief? My thoughts went back to my first journal written in an ordinary red spiral notebook. The first sentence of my journal was,

 "There will always be war until the heart changes".

 I prayed for my heart to change so the war with in me would stop. I questioned why God  would allow such tragedy to fall upon my family. His reply to me was, pray for hope. He showed how praying for hope opened the door to my heart and invited Grace in ...He was changing my heart to feel more like He did than I did.

He began teaching me that hope is what we hold on to while grace does the work of faith in us, changes us to be more like Christ, this we cannot do for ourselves.. Only Christ can do it, but we have to invite Him in to do the work. 

I believe that God was showing me how this new season of loss was leading me to despair. By  definition, despair is the opposite of hope. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. I know from my past experience with God that He works all things for the good of those who love Him. I know that He has plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. I know He is love. I know He loves me. I know He is a God of great promises and He cannot, will not lie to me. So with that being said, I believe He is asking me to hope again. I am a little fearful to hope because what if my hopes don't turn out the way I hoped? C.S. Lewis said it best, "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." As I prayed that morning, I confessed my fears to hope, left them at the feet of Jesus and promised Him I would pray again for hope that would  open the door of my heart again to His grace. I also agreed to begin to tell my story with this end in sight... that no matter what it looks like I know God's glory will shine bright for all to see His good and mighty work in and through my life. 
Today I will be obedient to tell my story of hope. Not yet by sight, but by faith I will stay focused on the horizon of hope to discover my new land!

Against all odds

"The victory is not whether we hold our gold cup - 

the victory is whether we gave our hearts to it" -Unknown.

It has been a while since my last post and honestly I thought I would never be back. 

The last two years of life in my home were stacked with more loss, more heartache and more why's for God than I ever could have imagined possible... especially after what we had already been through! I wanted a break from my circumstances and God wanted a break in my heart. My perspective was distorted for while during the past season but today the eyes of my heart are learning to see things in a WHOLE new way.

The journey from hollow to whole is a life time journey. It is journey of being perfected, not perfect. Perfection does not exist on this earth. 

We are all in the process, and so many times I forget! It get's frustrating when circumstances are piling up one after another to an unbearable load on your back and not one of them can you control. I think many can relate, even if your story does not include the death of a child. The dreams of a happy life, well planned out by an optimistic 19 year old girl are now a shattered mess in the middle of my heart. What does one do when facing heart break after heart break. I found myself weary and scared to hope for anything good. I was beginning to believe that live today was to be endured until Jesus came to get me. I started to think I was the poster child for  trials. Yep, you guessed it, I wore that label until I had had enough. It was time for war.. I had come to far to pitch camp in the land of lovelessness and mere toleration! I was ready to fight my way back to the land of respect and love! 

My prayers to God were, "please Lord don't let me give up!" At times I did not sense God at all, but I kept crawling closer to Him. Days of not hearing him turned into weeks and months. My heart was breaking because I thought He had given up on me to live with this mess. For a while, I tried to manage the circumstances. this was good.. it led to meltdown. Subdued by the weight of my problems I cried "UNCLE". I asked the Lord, "What is it you want from me?" He said, "Everything". He was in the process of taking everything out of my life that filled the hollow hole of what made me feel valuable. I had come to a place where I felt like I had failed at everything in my life. I had no desire to do anything, not even cook! ( and I LOVE to cook) I began to talk to Him about the deadness I felt in my heart. I heard Him say"I will give you the desires of your heart, I am emptying the ones that keep hurting you." He wanted me to hand over to Him my broken heart full of all my broken dreams to give me a new heart binded back together with new desires and unbreakable dreams. 

The heart work is the hardest! Mostly because it requires doing work that only you can see with Christ's help. It requires you to trust the process of the "work of faith". The only person qualified to do this work is grace (Jesus). When we allow this work to be done with in us it changes our bad into good. He removes the seeds that produce bad fruit and replants seed to produce good fruit. bitterness and lonelyness begin to die and peace and joy begin to sprout up. What makes this process even better is when circumstances are still the same and your producing new fruit! 

I am determined to move forward wanting only God's best for me and my family... I will not settle, I will not endure. I know today my only control over anything in my life is how I allow myself to change from the inside out. My hope is that it may encourage others to follow along. 

I am devoted to the pursuit of truth, everyday asking myself- what are the areas in my life where me and truth are not joined as we should be? Knowing the truth has brought freedom in my life today and I'm glad to be back!

"So love can live to tell the tale."

"Love"

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (msg)

My heart always finds it's way back to this song at this time of year. The one lyric in the song that grabs my attention is,"So give me strength to die myself, so love can live to tell the tale". I love the intent of this statement. More than anything,My desire is that love lives to tell my tale. It is so easy to focus on hurt and selfish desires to save face and self protect. I have learned the hard way that when I do that.. the story ends cold, the problem usually isn't solved and no one ever wins.

Thank you Jesus for allowing love to tell your tale. Allowing yours to end so that mine could begin and never end.

"Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved."

Barbara Johnson

Tempted by fear to reject the strength given to us by God.

Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions.

~Hāfez

I came across an interesting fact the other day. Fear is a temptation. It is offered to us by our enemy in the midst of trying circumstances. I had never really thought of fear in this way. A temptation? I thought temptations were suppose to be shinny, pretty items that were hard to resist. I think of Eve and how she was tempted by the most beautiful red and perfectly ripe apple. I can almost hear the crisp snap of the apples skin breaking open as she bites at the bate laid before her.Just so you know, for me the apple would have been much more tempting if it had been covered in caramel. The shinny apple analogy, we can all understand. It's something we desire. Choosing to be a coward is not. Fear tempts us to stand still instead of charging forward when we hear the trumpet blow.

I will not lie to you, I have been struggling lately. It has been a time of testing, letting go and dyeing to my reputation. I find this a hard testing period. Especially after everything we've been through. I feel as if I am holding on to the knot tied to the end of my rope. Fear keeps me here, maybe I should let go. Holding on could be holding me back. My fear only allows me to focus on my competition at the starting gate. It whispers to me, "Julie, they are all much stronger and faster than you. Don't even try to run this race. You will only lose." Once again, I am tempted to stay put and play it safe because I believe that I am weak. Maybe it's time to put the blinders on at the starting gate. Focus on the course ahead of me and realize the strength inside of me. God built me to be like the stallion, strong and powerful, excited by fear, to charge the gate when the trumpet sounds.

I know it's not just me that is tempted by fear. I hear so many stories of others who struggle as well. It seems that many of us are going through trials of faith. My heart is heavy, but holding on. Something that lifted my head of discernment the other day (just to let you know...my discernment awareness these days is on an all time low!) Yet, God is still near when we don’t sense Him. So... My eye, heart opening word that I wanted to share came to me as I watched the clip above. Did you know that temptation comes in all packages? I did not know that a temptation was for me to fall into pity about my circumstances. To fall, means he (my tempter) wins. Truth is.. I am like the race horse mentioned in the clip above. I am strong, fast and I should not shy away from the sword! To give into the temptation of self pity means I don’t understand... who’s I am and what I was made to do!

God says's..“Do you give the horse his strength or clothe his neck with a flowing mane? Do you make him leap like a locust,
striking terror with his proud snorting? He paws fiercely, rejoicing in his strength, and charges into the fray. He laughs at fear, afraid of nothing; he does not shy away from the sword. The quiver rattles against his side, along with the flashing spear and lance. In frenzied excitement he eats up the ground; he cannot stand still when the trumpet sounds." ~God~ Job 39:19-24

Maybe, I'm the Jockey and the horse is the Holy Spirit. My job is to hold on tight, His job is to bring the strength needed to win the race.

Going Deeper - A teacher I never expected

"For I consider that our present sufferings cannot even be

compared to the glory that will be revealed to us." Romans 8:18
Life after the death of a close loved one should come with a guarantee.. To be easy and pain free from this point on.. We have endured enough pain, been dealt an unfair hand and deserve a "pass" that would ensure us no more struggles. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Pain is part of this world and life is in the business of handing it out on a daily basis. Walking through this world with Christ doesn't make the pain go away or stop the daily attacks directly targeted to deaden our hearts. Walking with Him does help us focus on future glory to be able to endure the many heart aches produced by this world.

At this point of my journey, I'm a little lost. A new place, a new struggle. I feel like I have moved far away to a new place that I am not familiar with. It's been hard to find God in this new land. It is really a strange place to be, after being so close to Him, I feel now that He is so far.. Yet, I know this is not true. I realize that this new struggle is an opportunity to grow and mature and move closer to God, which will strengthen He and I’s relationship..I also see larger than life my lack of ability to love others well. Selfishness, pride and my need to control some part of my life are constantly trying to justify my hurting heart to be bitter.. some days they win.. but I always return to the thought of “it’s too late to turn back now”.. It’s not possible to forget that we know who wins in the end. So the question is ..how do I focus on future glory to endure present suffering? My heart is asking this question because it lacks the ability to love unconditionally on it’s own. Honestly, I did not know this was even in me… In the past, I could always find a small bit compassion that would change my heart.. now it seems like my heart has become numb.. it wants to stop hurting.. it wants to self protect.. I am not sure if I’m up for the battle? Yet, I know God know’s that I can do it.. I am afraid but I want to do what is right and just through His heart and not my own. So I find courage from a quote in the movie trailer above.. "The only way to stop them, is to face them." The only way to face them is to adapt and evolve. Which means returning to the spiritual gym for some new conditioning and training by a teacher I never expected...

Oh happy day

Oh Happy Day! (Full version) - CGC Sylvie Desgroseilliers

Found at: FilesTube - rapidshare search

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Happy!

"Just think how happy you'd be if you lost everything and everyone you have right now.. and then, somehow got them back again." -Kobi Yamada

I came across this quote the other day and thought to myself, "Wow! now that is happy beyond my wildest dreams!" I am not sure who the author of this quote is, but I am sure that this person has experienced loss. Only someone who has truly lost something dear and precious to their heart could have written these words. I am guessing this form of "happy" was experienced by both Mary's when they went to visit the tomb of their lost loved one, Jesus. To everyone else it was just an ordinary Sunday, the beginning of a new work week. But for the two Mary's it was no ordinary Sunday, for them it was the beginning of "knowing" the reality of losing everything dear. As they approached the tomb, lost in quiet thought, I can only imagine that their hearts skipped a couple of beats when they arrived. An angel appeared before their eyes and said" He is not here, He has risen!" Can you imagine! How happy do you think these girls were? I can just see their faces... eyes red and swollen; cheeks chapped and stained by the many tears shed.... jaws dropped with their mouth's wide open due to what their hearts could only dare to believe. Never in their wildest dreams could anything this amazing happen to the two of them. As the reality of this moment sunk in, I believe they felt true happiness... This kind of "happy" offered a settled peace to their souls. One that would afford them the ability to "believe" once and for all... to never worry again about the future.
It is hard to imagine what that kind of "happy" feels like... I think about it often. Today, I dream about that moment... the moment when I get to experience the "happy" that will bring the ultimate peace of knowing that I will never experience loss again!