May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together—spirit, soul, and body—and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ.
1 Thessalonians 5:23 (The Message)
Look for the light at the end of the tunnel of disillusionment.
"Disillusionment births true hope in the same way that death is the context for resurrection. If our dreams don't die, the God-dreams won't be birthed. "- Dan Allender
"May all your expectations be frustrated. May all your plans be thwarted. May all your desires be withered into nothingness. That you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child and sing and dance on the love of God the Father, the Son and the Spirit." - Blessing given to Henri Nouwen by his spiritual leader
Be "intentional" about where my hope is placed and resting. Not in who I am and what I can do, but in Him. Who He is, and what His word promises those who hope in Him.
Hope does not disappoint us b/c God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit who He has given us. Romans 5:4
"Being busy seems like the polar opposite of laziness, but a busy person is not so much active as lost. A lazy person does little to nothing while a busy person does almost everything, but the similarity is that both refuse to be intentional. Busyness is the moral equivalent of laziness."- Dan Allender
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
Thought for the day, fasting hopelessness. Worry is my focus on the worst of results. Hope anchors me to Him that works all things for good... No matter what I see today.
I want my focus this season to be on the hope and plans that Jesus promises.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Join me for 40 days of fasting Hopelessness. It will change your world! In prayer exchange your worries and fears for hope. This will open the door of grace to do the work of faith in your life! Each time you begin to worry remind yourself that you gave that worry to God in exchange for His hope.
I am so excited to see how our hearts will change after focusing our sight on the power of hope!
4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”5 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
Revelation 21:4-5 Trustworthy and true. Two words that keep coming to mind as I walk this new season out. It is opening up before me as I hold on to hope. It is hard because it expects me to believe before I see. Yet I know that I can trust Jesus, because He is faithful even when I am not. "Our faith may fail, his never wanes— That's who he is, he cannot change" - 2 Timothy 2:13 ISV
In small glimpses we are beginning to see the evidence of things hoped for , which gives us the assurance of faith. The journey is not what I expected. I thought it would of had a lot more to do with "my doing", no, just the opposite. It's all about me doing nothing and doing everything at the same time..submitting, praying, dying, watching, and listening to Him. It is the process of Him giving me a new heart. I've learned that if I allow this process on the inside, He gets things done one the outside. It's a very humbling process. One that I am glad to be a part of as I sit on the front row watching as He makes all things new in my life.
I am amazed by God's grace. I can honestly say that the storms I have walked through have prepared a blank canvas where God Himself can paint a new masterpiece. One that has His fingerprints all over it! And one that displays His characteristics of who I am suppose to be. I am truly grateful for the opportunity to be an example of Him making all things new.. because I really messed it up on my own. He reminds me of this every time I fall back into the mode of "What am I gonna do now or How can I fix this?"
Currently, I am still in the middle of a mess. There are many details to be worked out and I only get a glimpse of the plan on a need to know basis. . I often find myself struggling with tomorrow and what will come of it. I try to work on the rubiks cube and hours later I find that when I lay it down, God picks it up. Nothing that I plan ever helps. I find that it only leads me to a place of futility. When I realize that I'm doing it again... I let go and pray. It feels very strange to rest in this place but I have seen Him be faithful without "me doing" anything. It's like, He lets me struggle and fall and as I'm laying face down on the floor, He provides. I believe He is showing me that it will be Him and not me that makes all things new in this season.
He gave me a glimpse of something new last Sunday at church. We have not been to church with my oldest daughter in a long time. (I have not pushed her to do this because I believe that she will go when she feels pulled by love and not pushed guilt.)
Much to my surprise, I received a text from her last Saturday night asking me if she could go to church with us the next day. I was pretty excited, because it had nothing to do with me asking her. Again, it was God moving in her heart and pulling her with love to His heart. I have to say the experience was amazing. The whole service was about Victory and Deliverance. I felt as if God was saying, I have won the victory for Maddie's heart.. she is mine and I will not let her go. It was almost surreal as we walked to the front of the church to take communion. She followed me and Smith followed her. I felt fortified.. like God was saying , "I am leading your family, do not be afraid because I go before you and I stand behind. I will deliver you because I am faithful, trustworthy and true."
I am believing God. I am watching and waiting for all things new. :)
"When I joined the ranks of humanity, born into the humblest conditions, My Glory was hidden from all but a few people. Occasionally, streaks of Glory shone out of Me, especially when I began to do miracles. Toward the end of My life, I was taunted and tempted to display more of My awesome Power than My Father’s plan permitted. I could have called down legions of angels to rescue Me at any point. Imagine the self-control required of a martyr who could free Himself at will! All of this was necessary to provide the relationship with Me that you now enjoy. Let your life become a praise song to Me by proclaiming My glorious Presence in the world."
Sarah Young
As I look back over the past few days I am in complete Awe of what God has done. Our family is in the midst of walking through a miracle this week. I feel like we have just won the lottery. His love and relentless pursuit to bind my broken heart overwhelms me.
My journal entry today is my way of building an alter of remembrance of Gods goodness and deliverance.
As I read my devotional this morning my thoughts went back over the past 7 years. Our battle through grief has been brutal and beautiful all at the same time. It's always brutal in the beginning and then God makes something beautiful of it.
Our journey with our oldest daughter, Maddie, has been by far the hardest after Jack. When we saw that Maddie's grief was driving her away from our lives and home, we became very concerned. Mostly because we did not know what to do. It was a season of learning the difference between enabling and true love (some call it tough love) What ever you call it .. I call it hard.
I learned that I was an enabler and it was driven by my fear of losing another child. God called me to the task of mothering Maddie in a way that did not feel very motherly. He provided Godly counsel to walk beside me for 5 long years. They held my hand and helped me with every tough love decision. I would recommend two things for anyone walking this journey.. counsel and ear plugs. Counsel from the Holy Spirit and those filled with the Holy Spirit walking with sight provided by the loving words of God. The ear plugs are for you.. put them in your ears when the masses start to tell you why your wrong.. that your not loving her in the right way. Somehow, in my heart I knew if I loved her the way most told me to, that I would be either loving her to her grave or to a life long strained relationship that would never heal. My mother's heart wanted only the best for my daughter.. my gift from God deserved healing and a whole heart.. not people who agreed with her brokenness!
I have been hurt deeply by this process primarily because it has been so lonely. I knew that I had to cover Maddie's journey with grace as much as humanly possible.. and I knew that I could not defend myself by explaining to the masses why I was loving right and they were loving wrong.. only time and God would tell the end of this story. So I patiently waited.. cried, screamed, stomped my feat and pitched many fits in my closet alone with my Heavenly Father. The whole season He kept reminding me of how Christ felt as he walked with our cross on His back to die for our sins. He never defended Himself.. because He knew His Father would. And Boy.. did He! And, we all reaped the benefits.
Well, I'm glad I listen to God on this one.. because if I would have tried to defend myself or force my plan, His incredible plan would not be apparent today. My waiting brought about a plan that I never could have imagined in my wildest dreams.
Let me give you a peak at last week..
We were pretty much at our wits ends with finding Maddie the care she needed. Her doctors recommended a recovery plan that frankly we just couldn't afford.. much less find the specific doctors they had recommended. There was only 1 doctor in our network that fit the description of what she needed and I couldn't even get him to answer the phone when I called to make an appointment. This past Thursday, I discuss this issue with my mentor and we pray about it. We conclude with.. pray for the direction and wait for God's prevision. On Friday, we felt like we found provision in the form of a counseling center near by our home. That afternoon to take a tour. By the end of the tour we think it would be a good fit.. but still out of our budget. That evening we are a little weary because we feel like we had found a place but know that Maddie may not agree. We try not to focus on what Maddie might say and focus on what God may be providing her. If God wanted this to be the place for Maddie we were trusting He would provide the resources. Late Friday afternoon, we make plans to tell her on Sunday night. Time to put down the worry and head off to a Christmas party at Smith's mom's house.
On the way over, I get a call.
It was a producer from the Dr. Phil show.. they wanted to ask me questions about my families journey through grief. They also wanted to know about our struggle with Maddie. My heart started to race from excitement but also from fear. Would Maddie agree to participate and how would other family members react? I knew that no one wanted to go on live television to make a spectacle of our life's fragile story. However, I did feel like If anyone could help Maddie it would be Dr. Phil. This would certainly be a dream come true. At first Maddie said no and so did Smith. It was getting close to our "hard time of the year" (Dec. 23) and going on t.v. to talk about very person pain was not something they were very interested in. I kept in contact with the producer and they reassured me that they would not mishandle our story or represent Maddie and her pain in a shameful way. By Saturday night everyone had reluctantly agreed to go on the show. Sunday afternoon we landed in LA and began the emotionally draining process of retelling our story of the journey through grief and the toll it has taken on our family. Monday, 9 am, we are waiting to walk on stage to meet Dr. Phil. At the same time, He is welcoming the audience and telling them that he is exhausted. He just returned from Sandy Hook where he had been meeting with families affected by the recent shootings. He was obviously heartbroken by what he had just encountered. He explained to the audience that he took a team of 16 doctors, nothing but the best in the nation, to help counsel the grieving families. When I heard him talk about the team of doctors, I remembered that just a few days prior I could only find one doctor back home that may or may not be able to help Maddie.
I begin to see God's hand at work.
Next we find ourselves on stage sitting under the counsel of the Nations best doctor for Maddies condition. And so began the process of unraveling her big ball of grief. He tell's her things no other doctor has told her before and then offers her help.. a plan.. what we had been looking for 7 long heartbreaking years. I felt like we had just been given a pearl of great value.
When he discovered a pearl of great value, he sold everything he owned and bought it!
Matthew 13:46
One week latter and I cant believe what has transpired. A Christmas miracle has occurred and I wanted to share His glory with the you. I have waited a long time with God, wondering if He would provide, wondering if He would defend, wondering if I had made the right decisions, wondering if I had heard His voice correctly... "wait child, die to your plan, die to your reputation and your will.. because I will deliver you in a way that my glory will shine through you and restore you family. My way is the only way for true whole and holy life to be restored." My obedience to Him, telling a story of hope without one in sight, is now being seen not only through my eyes of faith but for all to eyes see!
May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together—spirit, soul, and body—and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ.
"He who has not looked on sorrow will never see joy" Kahlil Gibran
I wanted to share the story of a special gift I received this Christmas. It was very unexpected and a complete surprise even in the way it was delivered. Let me begin by giving you a little bit of history so you can appreciate the gift.
This Christmas will be the 7th year we have spent with out our dearly missed son, "Jack". For the most part Christmas is hard for our family. It's hard when what should be a joyous occasion is covered with the scare of such a terrible accident that resulted in the loss of a loved one. It seemed impossible with each passing year, for the season of Christmas to ever regain the feelings it once held . We try hard as a family to honor God and the dear birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus. We also try hard to honor one another and respect what each family member wants to make of the season. Lots of grace and space have allowed us to make it this far.. for the most part I am very grateful for where we have landed. But I have to say that my heart still becomes very weary by the yolk we try to carry..
the mostly fake smile on our face and the great lonely sorrow in our heart.
As the Christmas season approached this year, I found myself in a different place. I had promised God back in August that I would begin to tell a story of hope even if I could not see one yet. I also took to heart the words spoken to me by my sweet daughter, "I really love Christmas.. I love the way our house looks at Christmas..." I allowed those words to seep into my heart and they gave me the courage to make a choice.. to enjoy the season, because it means a lot to her.
I really believed this would be a lot of me pretending and trying like the past.. but something was different.. the yolk seemed lighter. I seemed to be enjoying the season with less effort more laughter and creativity. I was unaware of what was going on until last Thursday night.
We attended a prayer service last week with my oldest daughter who is recovering from a horrible car accident. I asked her if she would like to go and receive prayer for the obvious wounds on her face and the not so obvious ones on her heart. She hesitantly agreed, but threw caution to the wind because she is weary from her heavy burdens.
I was not thinking at this point that God would have anything for me... I was there for her. I would do anything for her, even deny my own burdens if hers had the hope to be lifted.
That's a Mother's heart...
There's a saying that your only as happy as your saddest child. I believed that for a long time. I lived that for a long time. But as my days become more infused with the Fathers presence I have come to a new understanding. I can not live there! If I do there is no hope for the saddest child. As mothers, our job is to forge through the uncharted territory of our hearts. Dive deep down to rip out the root of the problem.. more than just behavior modification.. allow Jesus to do real heart work in our lives. We lead by example, cheap talk is not welcome here. It's time to take action.. and it doesn't begin with the child.. it begins with you.
I heard a quote one time that said.. "If you as a mother are having trouble with your children, it may be caused by old wounds in your own heart that you have not allowed to heal." Let me ask you a question... if you knew that healing your own heart would help your children heal theirs, would you even hesitate to do it. I mean this is a no brain-er! I have been allowing Jesus to work in my own heart for the past 7 years. I wanted my own heart healed because I knew this would be an essential ingredient for my daughters hearts to heal. I had to be an example of how Jesus binds up the brokenhearted...at first it was a messy.. but I knew if I stopped mid way they would have proof that He did really work.. or make our hearts whole again.
Today, I am living proof that God binds up our broken hearts! And this is my gift of hope this Christmas season.
As we prayed over my daughter last week, one of the prayer team ask our family a question. "Do you realize that Jack is God's son.. and that no matter how much you miss him .. you would never ask him to come back to this earth. He is at home with his Father.. and some day you will go to where he is."
Without hesitation I said, YES! I was so filled with peace at that moment of realizing how much healing Christ has done in my own heart. I said yes in the midst of messy circumstances with my oldest child.. knowing I would never want my dear son Jack to come back to this less than perfect world.
We left that night as a family filled with peace and the assurance of knowing God really works and can make hearts whole again. Time does not heal all wounds with out the constant pursuit of Jesus...! My history proves it.
Over the past few days I have been praying and thanking Christ for my healing.. you just don't know what a blessing it is to Smile this season and know its not me faking it. As I prayed He reminded me of how He has been preparing me for this season. I have been actually waiting for the end of year 7. I have felt like this would be a completing season and that something wonderful would happen.. and it has.. much to my surprise God said to me.. Julie, your gift is joy and peace. I have given your great sorrow friends to journey with.. joy and peace. This is the Fathers heart for us.. and I am overwhelmed with His love and care for my heart.
Joy and Peace are gifts that can not be bought with anything other than the blood Jesus shed at the cross ..to give us our hearts back whole.. healed..
4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. 5 Strangers will shepherd your flocks; foreigners will work your fields and vineyards. 6 And you will be called priests of the Lord, you will be named ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast.
7 Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.
8 “For I, the Lord, love justice; I hate robbery and wrongdoing. In my faithfulness I will reward my people and make an everlasting covenant with them. 9 Their descendants will be known among the nations and their offspring among the peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the Lord has blessed.”
10 I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. 11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.
