I AM with you

"When I joined the ranks of humanity, born into the humblest conditions, My Glory was hidden from all but a few people. Occasionally, streaks of Glory shone out of Me, especially when I began to do miracles. Toward the end of My life, I was taunted and tempted to display more of My awesome Power than My Father’s plan permitted. I could have called down legions of angels to rescue Me at any point. Imagine the self-control required of a martyr who could free Himself at will! All of this was necessary to provide the relationship with Me that you now enjoy. Let your life become a praise song to Me by proclaiming My glorious Presence in the world."

Sarah Young

As I look back over the past few days I am in complete Awe of what God has done. Our family is in the midst of walking through a miracle this week. I feel like we have just won the lottery.  His love and relentless pursuit to bind my broken heart overwhelms me.

 My journal entry today is my way of building an alter of  remembrance of
 Gods goodness and deliverance. 

As I read my devotional this morning my thoughts went back over the past 7 years. Our battle through grief has been brutal and beautiful all at the same time. It's always brutal in the beginning and then God makes something beautiful of it. 

Our journey with our oldest daughter, Maddie, has been by far the hardest after Jack. When we saw that Maddie's grief was driving her away from our lives and home, we became very concerned. Mostly because we did not know what to do. It was a season of learning the difference between enabling and true love (some call it tough love) What ever you call it .. I call it hard.

I learned that I was an enabler and it was driven by my fear of losing another child. God called me to the task of mothering Maddie in a way that did not feel very motherly. He provided  Godly counsel to  walk beside me for 5 long years. They held my hand and helped me with every tough love decision. I would recommend two things for anyone walking this journey.. counsel and ear plugs. Counsel from the Holy Spirit and those filled with the Holy Spirit walking with sight provided by the loving words of God. The ear plugs are for you.. put them in your ears when the masses start to tell you why your wrong.. that your not loving her in the right way. Somehow, in my heart I knew if I loved her the way most told me to, that I would be either loving her to her grave or to a life long strained relationship that would never heal. My mother's heart wanted only the best for my daughter.. my gift from God deserved healing and a whole heart.. not people who agreed with her brokenness!

I have been hurt deeply by this process primarily because it has been so lonely. I knew that I had to cover Maddie's journey with grace as much as humanly possible.. and I knew that I could not defend myself by explaining  to the masses why I was loving right and they were loving wrong.. only time and God would tell the end of this story. So I patiently waited.. cried, screamed, stomped my feat and pitched many fits in my closet alone with my Heavenly Father. The whole season He kept reminding me of how Christ felt as he walked with our cross on His back to die for our sins. He never defended Himself.. because He knew His Father would. And Boy.. did He! And, we all reaped the benefits.

Well, I'm glad I listen to God on this one.. because if I would have tried to defend myself or force my plan,  His incredible plan would not be apparent today. My waiting brought about a plan that I never could  have imagined in my wildest dreams.

Let me give you a peak at last week.. 

We were pretty much at our wits ends with finding Maddie the care she needed. Her doctors  recommended a recovery plan that frankly we just couldn't afford.. much less find the specific doctors they had recommended. There was only 1 doctor in our network that fit the description of what she needed and I couldn't even get him to answer the phone when I called to make an appointment.
 This past Thursday, I discuss this issue with my mentor and we pray about it. We conclude with.. pray for the direction and wait for God's prevision.  
On Friday, we felt like we found provision in the form of a counseling center near by our home. That afternoon to take a tour. By the end of the tour we think it would be a good fit.. but still out of our budget. That evening we are a little weary because we feel like we had found a place but know that Maddie may not agree. We try not to focus on what Maddie might say and focus on what God may be providing her. If God wanted this to be the place for Maddie we were trusting He would provide the resources.  Late Friday afternoon, we make plans to tell her on Sunday night. Time to put down the worry and head off to a Christmas party at Smith's mom's house. 

On the way over, I get a call. 

It was a producer from the Dr. Phil show.. they wanted to ask me questions about my families journey through grief. They also wanted to know about our struggle with Maddie. My heart started to race from excitement but also from fear.  Would Maddie agree to participate and how would other family members react? I knew that no one wanted to go on live television to make a spectacle of our life's fragile story. 
 However, I did feel like If anyone could help Maddie it would be Dr. Phil. This would certainly be a dream come true. 
At first Maddie said no and so did Smith. It was getting close to our "hard time of the year" (Dec. 23) and going on t.v. to talk about very person pain was not something they were very interested in. I kept in contact with the producer and they reassured me that they would not mishandle our story or represent Maddie and her pain in a shameful way. 
By Saturday night everyone had reluctantly agreed to go on the show. 
Sunday afternoon we landed in LA and began the emotionally draining process of retelling our story of the journey through grief and the toll it has taken on our family. 
Monday, 9 am, we are waiting to walk on stage to meet Dr. Phil. At the same time, He is welcoming the audience and telling them that he is exhausted. He just returned from Sandy Hook where he had been meeting with families affected by the recent shootings. He was obviously heartbroken by what he had just encountered. He explained to the audience that he took a team of 16 doctors, nothing but the best in the nation, to help counsel the grieving families. When I heard him talk about the team of doctors, I remembered that just a few days prior I could only find one doctor back home that may or may not be able to help Maddie. 

I begin to see God's hand at work. 

Next we find ourselves on stage sitting under the counsel of the Nations best doctor for Maddies condition. And so began the process of unraveling her big ball of grief. He tell's her things no other doctor has told her before and then offers her help.. a plan.. what we had been looking for 7 long heartbreaking years. I felt like we had just been given a pearl of great value. 

When he discovered a pearl of great value, he sold everything he owned and bought it!

Matthew 13:46

One week latter and I cant believe what has transpired. A Christmas miracle has occurred and I wanted to share His glory with the you. I have waited a long time with God, wondering if He would provide, wondering if He would defend, wondering if I had made the right decisions, wondering if I had heard His voice correctly... "wait child, die to your plan,  die to your reputation and your will.. because I will deliver you in a way that my glory will shine through you and restore you family. My way is the only way for true whole and holy life to be restored."

My obedience to Him, telling a story of hope without one in sight, is now being seen not only through my eyes of faith but for all to eyes see!

May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together—spirit, soul, and body—and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ. 

1 Thessalonians 5:23 (The Message)