This Christmas, I will wait

"I will wait"

Mumford & Sons

I do love Mumford and Sons! There is something about their songs that point me to a deeper meaning. As I looked for a song to illustrate my thoughts, this one seemed to go perfectly. 

Advent defined as "A coming; the coming of our Savior." 

I've always wanted to follow Advent... but I always seemed to get sidetracked by the busyness of the season... or my focus on "lack" or "grief". This year I want to do it differently.. I want a slow down and follow.. or shall I say "wait"?

I love the lyrics in the song above. They so describe my heart for this season.. "I will wait for You".

I chose those words because when you need your memories of past Christmases to change from bad to good.. that's what you do.. You wait for Jesus to change them. 

This Christmas will be the 10th year of Christmases without Jack. It has been a long road for us all.. but today I can honestly say Jesus has helped our hearts heal in a way that we can begin to enjoy Christmas again. 

A couple of weeks ago I began feeling the nudge to look up the definition to the word Expectancy. 

I felt like the Lord was saying: 

"Julie, focus your sight on Expectancy not Expectation. For so many years you have focused on your expectations (on the outcome of things) and they did not go well, so you gave up hope. This year focus on expectancy (waiting for Me to show up) and see how things go and this will grow your hope in me." 

So, I agreed to go on the journey with Him this Christmas season. I'm setting my focus on Him and not the outcome of things. This will be a season of waiting and looking for the good in all things:)

I looked up Expectancy and Expectation.. wow!! What a wonderful focus it brought to where I spend my attention..

Expectancy - The act of expecting; HOPE; a looking for with pleasure. 

Expectation - The act of expecting or looking forward to a future event with at least some reason to believe the event will happen.  

Here is the difference between the two

Expectancy originates in desire and may exist with little or no ground of belief that the desired event will arrive. 

Expectations are founded on some reasons which renders the event probable. 

Expectancy  directs us to focus on "something good"

Expectations are directed to good or BAD. 

A couple of things went through my mind as I read the definitions. 

Expectancy is born from desire.. "Delight (hope) in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart"- Psalm 37:4  Expectancy is from the Lord.. it is His desire for us to be looking for Him and His good. 

Expectancy can be held on to with little or no ground for belief. "If you had faith the size of a mustard seed, you could say to this black mulberry tree, 'Be pulled out by the roots and planted in the sea,' and it would obey you. "- Luke 17:6  The Lord doesn't expect us to have great faith to see His goodness..

Expectancy- looks for something good:) Jesus is always good.. He always brings good.. Even if your sight at the time can only see bad. If you hold on and wait.. He will heal your heart so you can see His good. This is what allows us to live again after great suffering.
 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."- Romans 8:28

Expectations- They focus on good or bad.. that definition makes me think it's based on what we see by natural sight.. not by supernatural sight. I'm not trying to say we ignore the bad.. because it will show up.. Jesus promised us that.. He warned us of that.. but He said that if we wait and walk with Him through our suffering we will also get to share in His glory:) There is always a supernatural victory on the other side of your earthly suffering. "We overcome evil with good."- Romans 12:21  We train our sight to see expectations in a supernatural way.. we learn to see the good so it will help us overcome the bad.

Summed up.. Expectations are not bad to have as long as we look at them the right way. On this earth we will all live in between the pain of this world and the promises of His word. So, We look at the good and bad and wait in expectancy to see how Jesus handles the outcome:) We always leave room for Jesus..We wait:)

And so for this season.. this advent...Jesus, "I will wait, I will wait for You" in expectancy of your good for each and every outcome:)

Come and learn to BE BRAVE

"Arise! For this matter is your responsibility, 

but we will be with you; be courageous and act."

Ezra 10:4

I am preparing to attend a women's conference at my home church, RiverStone Church in Kennesaw, Georgia. The theme of the conference is "Finding your treasure" and it will be a time of discovery with the Lord. We will be going on a treasure hunt. 

Oh, how I love to find lost treasures! 

Did you know that you have God- Gifted treasures buried deep with in your heart. Special treasures that make you  a "one of a kind". Treasures so special that you are considered a pearl of great price to your Heavenly Father.. 

Most of us know this.. but we don't feel this way in our hearts. 

Why?

Because everyday life .. hardships.. relationships.. mindsets and perspectives cloud and distort our treasure chests.. our hearts. We desperately need to slow down and uncover the treasures. We need them to be the person God's called us to be.. Our community needs for us to uncover them so they can see Jesus and experience Him in a way only "you" were designed to reveal. 

To do this we need community that will help us see the treasures. We need community that will help us be brave enough to begin the search.  It takes courage to uncover your treasures...It sounds boastful to say.. I am worthy and His beloved.. I have been called to set the captives free. We would rather say.. I'm just a vessel with no worth.. If the circumstances are the way they are.. Then it is His will to be done..This portrays a  powerless God. This is not the kind of mindset we should have.. We are special to Him .. created by Him to display His glory here on earth. When we see the special treasures He has deposited with in us.. we begin to understand why we are here.. and what we are here to do. We can join with Him and set the captives free and bring what is already done in Heaven to earth. 

So,

If your tired of feeling less than a pearl of great price.. come and join us this Saturday. Come and find your treasures.. your heart has been waiting way too long to be discovered.. so has your world:) 

As we prepare for our journey I thought it would be good to prepare our hearts with two songs. Donna Desilva used these songs in her teachings this week and I thought it would be good for us as well.

The first song sets our hearts to "be well" with where we are at on our journeys. What ever our past is.. we are still a pearl of great price in our Heavenly Father's eyes. The second song stirs us to be brave .. and that is just what our Heavenly Father wants us to be.. Brave.. Because it is He who makes us Brave:)

"It is well"

"You make me brave"

Come, and Learn to BE BRAVE! 

Getting to know myself - A gift from depression

I love the message of this song is - God knows us.. 

"Nothing is hidden from Your sight

Wherever I go, You find me

You know every detail of my life

You are God and You don't miss a thing"

God, He doesn't miss a thing. That statement would of scared me 10 years ago. Why? Because I only saw a God who didn't love. I saw a God who was only concerned with my performance and not my heart. Today, I see God so differently.. He knows me and loves me and cares deeply for the condition of my heart. This  new perspective was a gift from my journey through depression.  

I wanted to share with you what it looked like for me to journey through..

So many times we only get to see the finished product.. that helps no one. I feel like God has called me to be a witness. Someone who will share what it looks like to walk with Jesus through the messy parts of life.I want to be someone who not only shares the happy parts.. but one who shares the heartbreaking parts too. 

Because, the moment your heartbreaks is when Jesus is the closest to you. 

You need to know that..

 Jesus does His best work when we see what He See's.. He knows when our heart is broken.. and most of the time we don't ...or we ignore it.. or we cant bare to look at it. When we ignore our heartbreaks we get lost. We lose small parts of our hearts with every heartbreak that is not taken to Jesus. Ignoring them will eventually result in a hardened heart that feels nothing..not even love. "Do it Your Self" preservation is a coping mechanism straight from Hell.. the enemy wants you to think you can ignore and handle it yourself.. that is a lie. Don't be fooled by it.. Jesus cares and wants you to have a whole heart that loves the way His heart loves. 

So my first assignment in the journey through depression was "Getting to know myself".

As I journaled each day, I discovered clues about myself and what God wanted me to know about myself. He focused my attention on my desire.. and it was to feel joy again. 

He showed me how desire was an emotion and emotions were from Him. 

A definition of desire-  an emotion from God that moves you to act, to attain or posses an object of pleasure. 

After understanding that emotions were from God and that they were suppose to move me to attain good things.. objects of pleasure .. I quickly noticed that something was not lining up with this truth. My emotions were not moving me towards pleasure.. they were moving me to places of pain. 

And this is just what God wanted me to see

He saw that my emotions were taking me to places of death not life.. dead ends not new beginnings and only seeing sorrow and never seeing joy. He explained to me that my sight at this point was OK.. but I needed to talk to Him about what I was seeing. I needed Him to help me shift my perspective. He was showing me how to know myself.. and the process looked like this.. 

When I felt hate... or bitterness.. or sadness with out hope.. He would have me pray..

I would pray for hope..to receive grace..that would do the work of faith..

The work of faith for me in the midst of this process was found in the definition of Faith.."the assurance of things hoped for ..the conviction of things not seen". I dug in a little deeper and asked the question.. what is conviction? The answer was the "awakening of conscience preceding conversion". Then I asked.. what is consciousness?  The answer.. "knowledge of our own actions or thoughts". 

So, as I looked back at what I wrote.. I felt like that Lord showed me something that has now changed  my life for ever ..for the good.

He was showing me how to bring to Him the emotions that I was truly feeling..and when I did that His grace would do "a work" on my emotions. He helped me see the true condition of my heart and began to show me how His grace would change my emotions into righteous emotions. He helped me see that what I was feeling and seeing needed His perspective ..My emotions without Jesus only saw the bad in each circumstance.. But with Him I would learn to see the good too. He was teaching me how to balance myself in the midst of heavy unbalanced depression. The best part about this phase of my journey was.. He was OK with where I was at.. He loved me and wanted me to know the way back to a life filled with Joy. There was no condemnation just love and acceptance. He was showing me that I had come to the end of knowing how to help myself..He wanted me to learn how to lean on Him for help. He was showing me that He knew me..and He knew what was best for me:)

Our greatest desire is to be known.. Timothy Keller says it best.. 

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

He knows us.. and He still loves us:) Awaken into the knowledge and understand of that..

When you have these two key components built into your foundation of faith you He can begin to transform your emotions into ones that take you to pleasure... to joy.. to hope. 

This is what the process looks like to me..

1. I have learned to take note of my emotions

2. I take them to the Lord

3. He helps me line them up against righteous emotions

4. These look like the fruit of the spirit because these emotions are motivate by love

5. When they don't line up.. I wait before I act

6. I let them rest and allow Jesus to clean them of all impurities

7. I also take my unclean emotions to wise counsel.. they help me work through until I am        motivated by love and not hate or bitterness..

8. When my heart feels like grace has done its work of faith.. I will feel a different side of the emotion.. I will feel the love side of it. 

9. This new emotion now motivates me towards places of life.. out of depression. 

This is how we grow in character through obeying our counsel in the midst of suffering. This is the process of taking back stolen ground and how God can use everything for good.

I hope this helps you see the first steps to take while journeying through depression. It helped me and I my hope is that it will help you:)

How I found my way "through" depression.

This song has a great message

"Go back, go back to the ancient paths

Lash your heart to the ancient mast

And hold on, boy, whatever you do

To the hope that's taken hold of you"

In light of all the talk about depression this past week, I thought I would speak about my own journey through a very real depression. I believe I made it through to the other side and wanted to share...

Hope

That was what the Lord told me to pray for. (and by the way.. Me and The Lord at this time were just getting to know one another other.. I was a beginner )

One simple word began my quest through depression. It began with a question, and isn't that what Jesus does best? He always locates our hearts with a question. My question was "What is the Joy of the Lord?" 

This was my journal entry on June 3, 2008. 

I'm going to let you take a peek at how my mind processed depression and grief. As I look back on this journal.. it looks like I was a bit crazy. And yes, I agree with what you are thinking as you look at the journal entry above.. It almost looks like notes from some nutty professor. I believe at this point of my journey I was a bit crazy...but,  I had never been in a place like this before. I was desperately trying to make it to the other side. I wanted to feel joy again, but I didn't know how that would ever be possible. I had been in counseling and been given medication..but none of it was working. At this point of the journey I had just switched to a new counselor and stopped taking medicine. My counselor suggested that I start keeping a journal. I was never one who journaled before .. but I thought at this point getting out what was stuck on the inside of me would be good..and this is how the Lord led me through. I know, it looks like a mess.. but this one question from me to the Lord actually led me down a path where I received a miraculous healing in my heart. I asked the question.. What is the joy of the Lord.. and I heard Him answer.."It is your strength, Julie." I then asked what is God's strength? I then heard.. "Faith" 

Is God's secret joy my faith? 

"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for the conviction of things not seen."

- Hebrews 11:1

And it was here that God revealed the desire of my heart.. I was hoping for joy again.. and the secret path that was going to lead me to feel joy again was to have faith for it even if I couldn't see it. 

I made a vow at this point to lean on God.. my counselor and my community until I saw joy again. These are key components to the healing journey. 

1. The most important part of this journey is to learn how to lean on Jesus. His word is active and alive and can change the way you feel. I am a living testimony and witness to the healing power of having a personal relationship with Him. 

2. You can not do this alone.. you need wise counsel. I had been to many counselors at this point hadn't found much success. But, I didn't give up.. I kept looking and came across one who's whole goal was inner healing which produced outer transformation. She taught me how to talk to Jesus and how to discern His voice. I still see her today.. she is now more of a mentor to me. She has changed and saved my life:)

3. You also need community.. one that is walking down the same path as you. This helps you see that you are not alone. In this place of community you will find others who can share and help carry your pain. These people will become another family and life line for you. 

4. You also need to engage in life giving mind altering perspectives. In the midst of depression you need to learn how to change the way you see. You need to be able to see more than just the bad.. You need to be trained on how to see the good too. For me I came to an understanding that depression wasn't necessarily a bad thing. It was place of "pressing down for me". It was a place where God was pressing out of me what didn't need to be there and also a place where God would fill me with new things.. things of Him that I would  need to feel joy again. This is where I came up with the name of my blog.."Hollow to Whole". The Lord showed me that Depression wasn't bad .. it was a place "in between".. I was in the middle of a journey going from a place I knew to a place I didn't know. I had no experience or concrete context of the new place I was going.. but I knew faith would get me there.. and today I can honestly say.. I have found joy again. I don't blame God for the bad things that have happened anymore.. I know now to grab His hand when the bad things come. He teaches me in these places. He uses what the enemy sends my way to kill me to actually give me life. I have so much more than knowledge.. I have an "understanding".. 

And.. the understanding is .. the joy of the Lord.. is actually my strength. His joy comes to us when we allow the grit of life to change us .. mold us.. transform us.. It builds character and a firm foundation that helps us stay strong when the next storm comes. We will do this process over and over again here on earth.. It helps to make us a clearer reflection of Him here on earth:) 

Just so you know... the journey is messy.. it's hard.. but I feel like this is how Jesus wanted me to see it.. Life is not about doing everything right the first time.. We learn by living.. walking into the messy parts of life and taking note of our stuff.. Its never really about the other person or the circumstance.. It's all meant and sent to teach us.. it's always about making the person of you better, stronger from the inside out. 

This is my take away from my journey through depression..  

Don't Hesitate

Hesitate 
Judah & The Lion

 I adore this song:)
The lyrics paint a picture of our Fathers desire to have all of us. Read over them and let them wash over your soul. Allow them to sink deep within your spirit. Let them cover and fill the broken parts of your precious heart.

"Come as you are, 

bring me your heart my child.

I've waited so long 

for you to become all mine.

I won't give up 

until I have all your love. 

Don't hesitate 

when I say come away. 

Come as you are,

bring me your heart and find.

I'm all you need 

I'm all that satisfies. 

Don't hesitate 

when I say come away. 

Come away with me 

and you'll see who you are."

- Father God:)

Our Heavenly Father says to us, "I won't give up till I have all your love." This is so true. God waits patiently for us to give Him all of us. It's a lifelong process, But one well worth it. I think we hesitate when He asks us to move closer only because we don't understand how He see's us or how He feels about us. I was thinking yesterday about how it feels to create something. How the process to develop something new takes so much time. It takes so much of our heart, so much thinking, and so much planning. But, when we are finished, how much joy it brings us to share it with others. This is exactly how God feels about us. He created us and planned for us. We were designed by a part of His heart and it brings Him so much joy.. so much glory..to share us with others. 

So, dont hesitate this beautiful day when you hear Him say.. "Come closer. My child.. I won't give up on you until I have all your heart." Lord, help us today see just how much you love us. Send us signs of your beautiful heart today. Bless us with your mercy.. Place us in the full river of your grace. I love you God.. And You love me:)

"I Do"- What 23 years of marriage has taught me..

" Dancing in the Mine Fields"

This morning  I awoke to a still small voice.. It was whispering, "Time doesn't heal all wounds.. Healing takes place in the overcoming." The voice continued with.." I will keep putting you in places where you experience the pains of past wounds over and over again until you realize that you are there for one reason.. It is so I can use your feet, Julie to overcome your enemy on his own territory. This is where you will always find healing.. in the taking back of stolen territory.. In the overcoming." 

This nugget of wisdom comes to me two days after my 23rd wedding anniversary. It reminded me of the song above.. "Dancing in the Mind Fields". The song tells "our story". We were way too young to be getting married.. but 23 years later I'm grateful for the vows we made to one another on that wedding day. I had no idea what I was committing to.. and boy am I glad for that.. As the song says above.. 

"Well, "I do" are the  two most famous last words, the beginning of the end. But to lose your life for another I've heard is a good place to begin. The only way to find your life is to lay your own life down. and I believe it's an easy price for the life that we have found. And we're dancing in the mind fields, we're sailing in the storms and this is harder than we dreamed but I believe that's what the promise is for." 

I've learned a lot over the past 23 years of Marriage. There are many treasures to find .. some about yourself .. some about your spouse.. but the greatest treasures I found were those about Jesus. It's because of the treasures I found in Jesus that I could see the real treasures in my marriage.. He has made all the difference in how we managed to come this far..We have truly learned how to dance in the mine field.. and that, I believe is what marriage is all about. 

Our marriage began with a promise.. to be with one another... through the good times and the bad times. I must say we've had our share of both. We have had so many good that I believe they overshadow the bad. Not sure how that works.. Only way that I can come to that conclusion is..it's because of our individual relationships with Jesus. We learned a hard lesson 10 years ago when our son went back home to Heaven..It was this..

We could not fix each other.. Jesus was the only One who could do that.. 

in other words.. as Husband and wife we individually had to look to Jesus for our healing.. not one another... We were gifts to one another .. a companion to dance with through the mine fields. When we learned to make the shift..to move one another off  "the throne" and allow Jesus to take His rightful place in our lives.. it took the pressure off .. It allowed for our healing. It really has made all the difference. 

Our life .. our marriage..with Jesus on the throne.. in His rightful place has proven the statics wrong. We were NOT a casualty of war.. we are still together..and stronger because of the battles. I believe this is because we understood that it was in the battles.. we would find our healing. It wasn't time that healed ..it was going to Jesus individually during the battle so we could help each other dance through the mine fields that the enemy had created for our demise.

Jesus healed us so we could be companions and comforters for one another.   

This is what marriage is for.. this is what it's about. We are helpers for one another.. We don't complete each other..we compliment one another.. Jesus is the only one who can complete us and make us whole. So, this brings me back to the whisper I heard this morning.. 

"Time doesn't heal all wounds.. Healing takes place in the overcoming." The voice continued with.." I will keep putting you in places where you experience the pains of past wounds over and over again until you realize that you are there for one reason.. It is so that I can use your feet, Julie to overcome your enemy on his own territory. This is where you will always find healing.. in the taking back of stolen territory.. In the overcoming." 

The Lord has given us so much healing in the overcoming of our earthly battles .. He has helped us recover and gain back stolen territory. What the enemy intended for bad .. Jesus has used for our good. The good began when I realized that the places of pain were places I would learn to overcome with Jesus.. They were not places of eternal punishment and sorrow.. but places where I would trade my ashes for His beauty and where He would  turn my mourning into dancing:)

I'm grateful to have this perspective today.. what a gift! We are the evidence of Gods goodness .. of His loving kindness here on earth. We are the living proof of how powerful His hope is.. it saved my life and our marriage. I'm glad I learned to dance through the mine fields... its been harder than I thought.. but the promise of healing kept us dancing in the right directions:)

Happy 23rd, Smith Peck.. You've been a wonderful dance partner:) Thanks for letting Jesus teach you some great dance moves:)

Reflections of His Glory

Currently, I'm taking a class on how to create a self care plan. It's teaching me how to live out 1st commandment first and 2nd commandment second.

"Jesus replied: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like the first:
Love your neighbor as yourself."
- Matthew 22:37-39

Last night we were discussing His glory... Specifically the glory He placed with in us so we could be a reflection of Him "on earth". 

Do you know what your glory is? Its treasures He placed with in your heart that allows you to become the "the one of a kind" individual here on earth that He created long ago in Heaven. How do we discover these treasures? We go on a treasure Hunt... Why? because these treasures are usually buried deep with in our hearts .. They are covered with a debris of lies from the enemy.

Allow me to paint you a picture. Your heart, its a treasure from God filled with many truths about who you are in Him. for example it may read like this.. Chosen, Beloved, Daughter of the King, Worthy, Brave, Full of hope, Healed, Beautiful, Free, Royalty, Holy and Blameless, Citizen of Heaven, light of the world, Free from sin and bound to righteousness. These are all true statements about who we are in Christ.. These are the treasures we must find and believe and live by.. But most often they stay dormant .. dead .. underneath the enemy's lies. He covers our treasures with dirty lies like.. shame, blame, guilt, unworthiness, performance, perfectionism, lust, greed, pride.. You get the picture.. All of these lies cover and kill our treasures.. our truths.. they were also bought by Christ when He died on the cross for you and your sins.. He paid for them.. and somehow we are tricked into thinking they are ours to take back ....and carry with us through life.

Jesus says to us.."give me back what's mine. That shame you carry.. its mine.. You've stolen from me and I want it back. I've replaced it with worthiness and grace.. mercy and beauty is yours to keep.. Give me the dirty lies of the enemy so my truth about you can live."

The real truth is until you give back to God what is His... The truth about who you are in Him will never live. The reflection of Him will never been seen through you until you give back to Him what is His. We must uncover the truth about who we are.. so we can live..

It is a real tragedy to allow these truths to die while living here on earth.. So, my challenge to you is this.. What have you stolen from Jesus? Shame.. guilt.. unworthiness? What ever it is.. give it back.. Ask for forgiveness and ask Him to wash you clean.. Ask Him to reveal the truth about who you are and what your special treasures are:) For me its Hope.. its Life.. its laughter... its worthiness..and courage.. its perseverance.. and love.. and my hope is to share it.. give it away extravagantly to all who want to share it with me:)

Lord, We love You.. We love who You are to us and for us... and we love who You want us to become and be.. Help us see a glimpse of Your goodness in our hearts today. Help us uncover the treasure and the beauty of You within us:) Give us the courage to believe:) I love You God- You make all things new!