Getting to know myself - A gift from depression

I love the message of this song is - God knows us.. 

"Nothing is hidden from Your sight

Wherever I go, You find me

You know every detail of my life

You are God and You don't miss a thing"

God, He doesn't miss a thing. That statement would of scared me 10 years ago. Why? Because I only saw a God who didn't love. I saw a God who was only concerned with my performance and not my heart. Today, I see God so differently.. He knows me and loves me and cares deeply for the condition of my heart. This  new perspective was a gift from my journey through depression.  

I wanted to share with you what it looked like for me to journey through..

So many times we only get to see the finished product.. that helps no one. I feel like God has called me to be a witness. Someone who will share what it looks like to walk with Jesus through the messy parts of life.I want to be someone who not only shares the happy parts.. but one who shares the heartbreaking parts too. 

Because, the moment your heartbreaks is when Jesus is the closest to you. 

You need to know that..

 Jesus does His best work when we see what He See's.. He knows when our heart is broken.. and most of the time we don't ...or we ignore it.. or we cant bare to look at it. When we ignore our heartbreaks we get lost. We lose small parts of our hearts with every heartbreak that is not taken to Jesus. Ignoring them will eventually result in a hardened heart that feels nothing..not even love. "Do it Your Self" preservation is a coping mechanism straight from Hell.. the enemy wants you to think you can ignore and handle it yourself.. that is a lie. Don't be fooled by it.. Jesus cares and wants you to have a whole heart that loves the way His heart loves. 

So my first assignment in the journey through depression was "Getting to know myself".

As I journaled each day, I discovered clues about myself and what God wanted me to know about myself. He focused my attention on my desire.. and it was to feel joy again. 

He showed me how desire was an emotion and emotions were from Him. 

A definition of desire-  an emotion from God that moves you to act, to attain or posses an object of pleasure. 

After understanding that emotions were from God and that they were suppose to move me to attain good things.. objects of pleasure .. I quickly noticed that something was not lining up with this truth. My emotions were not moving me towards pleasure.. they were moving me to places of pain. 

And this is just what God wanted me to see

He saw that my emotions were taking me to places of death not life.. dead ends not new beginnings and only seeing sorrow and never seeing joy. He explained to me that my sight at this point was OK.. but I needed to talk to Him about what I was seeing. I needed Him to help me shift my perspective. He was showing me how to know myself.. and the process looked like this.. 

When I felt hate... or bitterness.. or sadness with out hope.. He would have me pray..

I would pray for hope..to receive grace..that would do the work of faith..

The work of faith for me in the midst of this process was found in the definition of Faith.."the assurance of things hoped for ..the conviction of things not seen". I dug in a little deeper and asked the question.. what is conviction? The answer was the "awakening of conscience preceding conversion". Then I asked.. what is consciousness?  The answer.. "knowledge of our own actions or thoughts". 

So, as I looked back at what I wrote.. I felt like that Lord showed me something that has now changed  my life for ever ..for the good.

He was showing me how to bring to Him the emotions that I was truly feeling..and when I did that His grace would do "a work" on my emotions. He helped me see the true condition of my heart and began to show me how His grace would change my emotions into righteous emotions. He helped me see that what I was feeling and seeing needed His perspective ..My emotions without Jesus only saw the bad in each circumstance.. But with Him I would learn to see the good too. He was teaching me how to balance myself in the midst of heavy unbalanced depression. The best part about this phase of my journey was.. He was OK with where I was at.. He loved me and wanted me to know the way back to a life filled with Joy. There was no condemnation just love and acceptance. He was showing me that I had come to the end of knowing how to help myself..He wanted me to learn how to lean on Him for help. He was showing me that He knew me..and He knew what was best for me:)

Our greatest desire is to be known.. Timothy Keller says it best.. 

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

He knows us.. and He still loves us:) Awaken into the knowledge and understand of that..

When you have these two key components built into your foundation of faith you He can begin to transform your emotions into ones that take you to pleasure... to joy.. to hope. 

This is what the process looks like to me..

1. I have learned to take note of my emotions

2. I take them to the Lord

3. He helps me line them up against righteous emotions

4. These look like the fruit of the spirit because these emotions are motivate by love

5. When they don't line up.. I wait before I act

6. I let them rest and allow Jesus to clean them of all impurities

7. I also take my unclean emotions to wise counsel.. they help me work through until I am        motivated by love and not hate or bitterness..

8. When my heart feels like grace has done its work of faith.. I will feel a different side of the emotion.. I will feel the love side of it. 

9. This new emotion now motivates me towards places of life.. out of depression. 

This is how we grow in character through obeying our counsel in the midst of suffering. This is the process of taking back stolen ground and how God can use everything for good.

I hope this helps you see the first steps to take while journeying through depression. It helped me and I my hope is that it will help you:)

How I found my way "through" depression.

This song has a great message

"Go back, go back to the ancient paths

Lash your heart to the ancient mast

And hold on, boy, whatever you do

To the hope that's taken hold of you"

In light of all the talk about depression this past week, I thought I would speak about my own journey through a very real depression. I believe I made it through to the other side and wanted to share...

Hope

That was what the Lord told me to pray for. (and by the way.. Me and The Lord at this time were just getting to know one another other.. I was a beginner )

One simple word began my quest through depression. It began with a question, and isn't that what Jesus does best? He always locates our hearts with a question. My question was "What is the Joy of the Lord?" 

This was my journal entry on June 3, 2008. 

I'm going to let you take a peek at how my mind processed depression and grief. As I look back on this journal.. it looks like I was a bit crazy. And yes, I agree with what you are thinking as you look at the journal entry above.. It almost looks like notes from some nutty professor. I believe at this point of my journey I was a bit crazy...but,  I had never been in a place like this before. I was desperately trying to make it to the other side. I wanted to feel joy again, but I didn't know how that would ever be possible. I had been in counseling and been given medication..but none of it was working. At this point of the journey I had just switched to a new counselor and stopped taking medicine. My counselor suggested that I start keeping a journal. I was never one who journaled before .. but I thought at this point getting out what was stuck on the inside of me would be good..and this is how the Lord led me through. I know, it looks like a mess.. but this one question from me to the Lord actually led me down a path where I received a miraculous healing in my heart. I asked the question.. What is the joy of the Lord.. and I heard Him answer.."It is your strength, Julie." I then asked what is God's strength? I then heard.. "Faith" 

Is God's secret joy my faith? 

"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for the conviction of things not seen."

- Hebrews 11:1

And it was here that God revealed the desire of my heart.. I was hoping for joy again.. and the secret path that was going to lead me to feel joy again was to have faith for it even if I couldn't see it. 

I made a vow at this point to lean on God.. my counselor and my community until I saw joy again. These are key components to the healing journey. 

1. The most important part of this journey is to learn how to lean on Jesus. His word is active and alive and can change the way you feel. I am a living testimony and witness to the healing power of having a personal relationship with Him. 

2. You can not do this alone.. you need wise counsel. I had been to many counselors at this point hadn't found much success. But, I didn't give up.. I kept looking and came across one who's whole goal was inner healing which produced outer transformation. She taught me how to talk to Jesus and how to discern His voice. I still see her today.. she is now more of a mentor to me. She has changed and saved my life:)

3. You also need community.. one that is walking down the same path as you. This helps you see that you are not alone. In this place of community you will find others who can share and help carry your pain. These people will become another family and life line for you. 

4. You also need to engage in life giving mind altering perspectives. In the midst of depression you need to learn how to change the way you see. You need to be able to see more than just the bad.. You need to be trained on how to see the good too. For me I came to an understanding that depression wasn't necessarily a bad thing. It was place of "pressing down for me". It was a place where God was pressing out of me what didn't need to be there and also a place where God would fill me with new things.. things of Him that I would  need to feel joy again. This is where I came up with the name of my blog.."Hollow to Whole". The Lord showed me that Depression wasn't bad .. it was a place "in between".. I was in the middle of a journey going from a place I knew to a place I didn't know. I had no experience or concrete context of the new place I was going.. but I knew faith would get me there.. and today I can honestly say.. I have found joy again. I don't blame God for the bad things that have happened anymore.. I know now to grab His hand when the bad things come. He teaches me in these places. He uses what the enemy sends my way to kill me to actually give me life. I have so much more than knowledge.. I have an "understanding".. 

And.. the understanding is .. the joy of the Lord.. is actually my strength. His joy comes to us when we allow the grit of life to change us .. mold us.. transform us.. It builds character and a firm foundation that helps us stay strong when the next storm comes. We will do this process over and over again here on earth.. It helps to make us a clearer reflection of Him here on earth:) 

Just so you know... the journey is messy.. it's hard.. but I feel like this is how Jesus wanted me to see it.. Life is not about doing everything right the first time.. We learn by living.. walking into the messy parts of life and taking note of our stuff.. Its never really about the other person or the circumstance.. It's all meant and sent to teach us.. it's always about making the person of you better, stronger from the inside out. 

This is my take away from my journey through depression..  

Don't Hesitate

Hesitate 
Judah & The Lion

 I adore this song:)
The lyrics paint a picture of our Fathers desire to have all of us. Read over them and let them wash over your soul. Allow them to sink deep within your spirit. Let them cover and fill the broken parts of your precious heart.

"Come as you are, 

bring me your heart my child.

I've waited so long 

for you to become all mine.

I won't give up 

until I have all your love. 

Don't hesitate 

when I say come away. 

Come as you are,

bring me your heart and find.

I'm all you need 

I'm all that satisfies. 

Don't hesitate 

when I say come away. 

Come away with me 

and you'll see who you are."

- Father God:)

Our Heavenly Father says to us, "I won't give up till I have all your love." This is so true. God waits patiently for us to give Him all of us. It's a lifelong process, But one well worth it. I think we hesitate when He asks us to move closer only because we don't understand how He see's us or how He feels about us. I was thinking yesterday about how it feels to create something. How the process to develop something new takes so much time. It takes so much of our heart, so much thinking, and so much planning. But, when we are finished, how much joy it brings us to share it with others. This is exactly how God feels about us. He created us and planned for us. We were designed by a part of His heart and it brings Him so much joy.. so much glory..to share us with others. 

So, dont hesitate this beautiful day when you hear Him say.. "Come closer. My child.. I won't give up on you until I have all your heart." Lord, help us today see just how much you love us. Send us signs of your beautiful heart today. Bless us with your mercy.. Place us in the full river of your grace. I love you God.. And You love me:)

"I Do"- What 23 years of marriage has taught me..

" Dancing in the Mine Fields"

This morning  I awoke to a still small voice.. It was whispering, "Time doesn't heal all wounds.. Healing takes place in the overcoming." The voice continued with.." I will keep putting you in places where you experience the pains of past wounds over and over again until you realize that you are there for one reason.. It is so I can use your feet, Julie to overcome your enemy on his own territory. This is where you will always find healing.. in the taking back of stolen territory.. In the overcoming." 

This nugget of wisdom comes to me two days after my 23rd wedding anniversary. It reminded me of the song above.. "Dancing in the Mind Fields". The song tells "our story". We were way too young to be getting married.. but 23 years later I'm grateful for the vows we made to one another on that wedding day. I had no idea what I was committing to.. and boy am I glad for that.. As the song says above.. 

"Well, "I do" are the  two most famous last words, the beginning of the end. But to lose your life for another I've heard is a good place to begin. The only way to find your life is to lay your own life down. and I believe it's an easy price for the life that we have found. And we're dancing in the mind fields, we're sailing in the storms and this is harder than we dreamed but I believe that's what the promise is for." 

I've learned a lot over the past 23 years of Marriage. There are many treasures to find .. some about yourself .. some about your spouse.. but the greatest treasures I found were those about Jesus. It's because of the treasures I found in Jesus that I could see the real treasures in my marriage.. He has made all the difference in how we managed to come this far..We have truly learned how to dance in the mine field.. and that, I believe is what marriage is all about. 

Our marriage began with a promise.. to be with one another... through the good times and the bad times. I must say we've had our share of both. We have had so many good that I believe they overshadow the bad. Not sure how that works.. Only way that I can come to that conclusion is..it's because of our individual relationships with Jesus. We learned a hard lesson 10 years ago when our son went back home to Heaven..It was this..

We could not fix each other.. Jesus was the only One who could do that.. 

in other words.. as Husband and wife we individually had to look to Jesus for our healing.. not one another... We were gifts to one another .. a companion to dance with through the mine fields. When we learned to make the shift..to move one another off  "the throne" and allow Jesus to take His rightful place in our lives.. it took the pressure off .. It allowed for our healing. It really has made all the difference. 

Our life .. our marriage..with Jesus on the throne.. in His rightful place has proven the statics wrong. We were NOT a casualty of war.. we are still together..and stronger because of the battles. I believe this is because we understood that it was in the battles.. we would find our healing. It wasn't time that healed ..it was going to Jesus individually during the battle so we could help each other dance through the mine fields that the enemy had created for our demise.

Jesus healed us so we could be companions and comforters for one another.   

This is what marriage is for.. this is what it's about. We are helpers for one another.. We don't complete each other..we compliment one another.. Jesus is the only one who can complete us and make us whole. So, this brings me back to the whisper I heard this morning.. 

"Time doesn't heal all wounds.. Healing takes place in the overcoming." The voice continued with.." I will keep putting you in places where you experience the pains of past wounds over and over again until you realize that you are there for one reason.. It is so that I can use your feet, Julie to overcome your enemy on his own territory. This is where you will always find healing.. in the taking back of stolen territory.. In the overcoming." 

The Lord has given us so much healing in the overcoming of our earthly battles .. He has helped us recover and gain back stolen territory. What the enemy intended for bad .. Jesus has used for our good. The good began when I realized that the places of pain were places I would learn to overcome with Jesus.. They were not places of eternal punishment and sorrow.. but places where I would trade my ashes for His beauty and where He would  turn my mourning into dancing:)

I'm grateful to have this perspective today.. what a gift! We are the evidence of Gods goodness .. of His loving kindness here on earth. We are the living proof of how powerful His hope is.. it saved my life and our marriage. I'm glad I learned to dance through the mine fields... its been harder than I thought.. but the promise of healing kept us dancing in the right directions:)

Happy 23rd, Smith Peck.. You've been a wonderful dance partner:) Thanks for letting Jesus teach you some great dance moves:)

Reflections of His Glory

Currently, I'm taking a class on how to create a self care plan. It's teaching me how to live out 1st commandment first and 2nd commandment second.

"Jesus replied: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like the first:
Love your neighbor as yourself."
- Matthew 22:37-39

Last night we were discussing His glory... Specifically the glory He placed with in us so we could be a reflection of Him "on earth". 

Do you know what your glory is? Its treasures He placed with in your heart that allows you to become the "the one of a kind" individual here on earth that He created long ago in Heaven. How do we discover these treasures? We go on a treasure Hunt... Why? because these treasures are usually buried deep with in our hearts .. They are covered with a debris of lies from the enemy.

Allow me to paint you a picture. Your heart, its a treasure from God filled with many truths about who you are in Him. for example it may read like this.. Chosen, Beloved, Daughter of the King, Worthy, Brave, Full of hope, Healed, Beautiful, Free, Royalty, Holy and Blameless, Citizen of Heaven, light of the world, Free from sin and bound to righteousness. These are all true statements about who we are in Christ.. These are the treasures we must find and believe and live by.. But most often they stay dormant .. dead .. underneath the enemy's lies. He covers our treasures with dirty lies like.. shame, blame, guilt, unworthiness, performance, perfectionism, lust, greed, pride.. You get the picture.. All of these lies cover and kill our treasures.. our truths.. they were also bought by Christ when He died on the cross for you and your sins.. He paid for them.. and somehow we are tricked into thinking they are ours to take back ....and carry with us through life.

Jesus says to us.."give me back what's mine. That shame you carry.. its mine.. You've stolen from me and I want it back. I've replaced it with worthiness and grace.. mercy and beauty is yours to keep.. Give me the dirty lies of the enemy so my truth about you can live."

The real truth is until you give back to God what is His... The truth about who you are in Him will never live. The reflection of Him will never been seen through you until you give back to Him what is His. We must uncover the truth about who we are.. so we can live..

It is a real tragedy to allow these truths to die while living here on earth.. So, my challenge to you is this.. What have you stolen from Jesus? Shame.. guilt.. unworthiness? What ever it is.. give it back.. Ask for forgiveness and ask Him to wash you clean.. Ask Him to reveal the truth about who you are and what your special treasures are:) For me its Hope.. its Life.. its laughter... its worthiness..and courage.. its perseverance.. and love.. and my hope is to share it.. give it away extravagantly to all who want to share it with me:)

Lord, We love You.. We love who You are to us and for us... and we love who You want us to become and be.. Help us see a glimpse of Your goodness in our hearts today. Help us uncover the treasure and the beauty of You within us:) Give us the courage to believe:) I love You God- You make all things new!

A Beautiful Exchange- Not Fasting but Feasting on the Fruit of the Spirit for Lent

A Beautiful Exchange

Last year I gave up hopelessness for lent. This year I wanted to do something similar because I was given an amazing gift last year by giving it up. I began to realize early this year that I had gained a powerful focus to see hope in everything. Never thought I would be able to say those words after the past ten years of grief and loss.. not only for loved ones but for lost dreams and desires...loss of precious possessions and meaningful relationships. Its been a long journey through the valley but one well worth it. 

I began praying this week.. asking Jesus what could I do to honor Him this Easter season..This morning He reminded me of what He said to me 10 years ago.. 

"You are my witness, declares the LORD, 

and my servant whom I have chosen 

so that you may know and believe 

and understand that I am HE"

Isaiah 43:10 NIV

He said to me.. "Julie, I have chosen you to be my witness." 

So, I have come to learn that when I experience Him and see Him work in my life I am to witness to others about His goodness. In reality, this is what He calls all of us to do... yes.. You too:) He chooses us, we don't choose Him. And, when He chooses you.. He gives you a unique and special assignment only you can do. Pretty neat! I guess if He can make every snow flake different .. Its not a big deal to make our special purpose and assignments unique and one of a kind for us. The pattern I see with Jesus and me is that what He told me in the beginning He keeps telling me today. When He told me that I was a witness I did not understand all that I would be a witness to.. but today He reminded me of what He told me early on in my journey. He gave me a formula of how to combat the negative emotions associated with grief. It began with a statement that awakened my heart to the battle raging with in me and around me..

This is a picture of my 1st journal. It was when I began to fight against the heavy grief in my heart and in my home. My heart was broken over so many things and this is what the Lord told me..

 "There will always be war until the heart changes"

Followed by a quote by Milton

"War, open or understood, must be resolved."

There was a war going on in my heart and my home and it had to be resolved.. and it would not change until there was change in my heart. The war was over my heart.. The enemy wanted to kill it.. numb it with grief.. and the Lord wanted to awaken it and bring it fully alive with grief. Go figure.. what an amazing God principle seen here.. what the enemy wants to use for your bad.. God always wants to use for your good!

The next thought Jesus brought to my mind was the formula He gave me to hold on to while I journeyed the next few years...

This is a picture of page 5 in my first journal..

Here He showed me how to pray..

Pray for hope.. it opens the door to Grace and allows Jesus to do the works of faith in my life 

which planted and produced the fruit of the spirit with in me...

I have practiced this formula for many years.. It was after I secured hope this past year that the Lord began to teach me that the fruit of the spirit is a wonderful gift.. but it is more powerful when I use it as a weapon against the enemy. 

So, my first ah ha moment this morning was.. Wow, the Lord keeps bringing me back to the first thing He told me.. Which reminds me.. of who I am in Him.. A witness. And I should tell others about His goodness. His message for us is always the same.. He just keeps going deeper into it to show us a new revelation in it for our lives. 

I believe the Lord is going to establish something powerful with in me this Easter season by feasting on the fruit of the spirit. 

I have been listening to many of Graham Cooke's lessons lately and they have brought deeper understanding to my revelation from God..

"But the fruit of the spirit is

Love

Joy

Peace

Patience 

Kindness

Goodness

Faithfulness

Gentleness

&

Self Control

Against such things there is no law"

- Galatians 5:22-23 NIV

What does this scripture actually mean? 

That NOTHING works against it outside of Christ. 

So, When you actually practice.. feast on the fruit of the spirit.. NOTHING can work against you!

Once again.. My mind has been blown! The fruit of the spirit is actually the nature of God and how He relates to us and our enemy. The nature of God sets us free from the enemy. So, everything that works for us by His nature automatically works against the enemy.

When we feast on the fruit of the spirit we will encounter the nature of God. This will lead us into an ongoing experience with Him that will open us up to the fullness of who God is for us. This will become a lifestyle that He will take the greatest pleasure in..

What God is offering us is His unchanging Self so that we too can become unchanging in our way of life. That means unchanging in our nature and character. Unchanging in the sense of.. I am going to become like Jesus no matter what occurs.. and I'm unchanging in that desire so that I become constant and consistent regardless of those in my life who are good, bad or ugly. 

The fruit of the spirit gives us confidence in His relationship with us. 

As I commit myself to feasting.. practicing the fruit of the spirit.. I am sewing into His Character and reaping back from His favor..

So the fruit of the spirit is where I learn to abide in His nature...

The fruit of the spirit is the power of God that enables me to become more and more like Christ.. 

So, my plan is to focus on the characteristics of each fruit and practice them.. feast on them.. and allow my nature to look more like His.. 

Here is what each fruit looks like:

Love is:

exclusive affection

about cherishing 

about treasuring

the tangible favor and goodness of God

about having regard for someone with benevolence attached

about taking delight in someone or something so that you cause someone to feel

 beloved-ed just because you are a friend in their life.   

Love demonstrates loving kindness

Joy is:

about an intensity of gladness

about delight

bigger than all your circumstances

 James said consider everything joy..so that you could swamp your circumstances with the Joy of the LORD

who God is

our strength

an intensity of gladness

about elation

about having a sense of wonder

about taking absolute pleasure in someone or something

being jubilant

cheerful

triumphant

celebratory

When we practice joy we learn the art of celebration..

What are we celebrating? 

God is for me

God is with me

His is on my side

He is in me

He surrounds me

Everything about Him is for me and He will Help me

So.. we re-joice 

 rejoicing is our response to who God is

when we rejoice we are joyful because God is the happiest person we know

we rejoice in the fact that we know what God is like

Peace is:

a state of being quite

about learning to be calm

to be restful

a freedom from disturbance

an ease of mind

about stillness

having an inclination towards calm so that when you walk into a troubled situation you bring the peace of God with you. 

about being undisturbed

about being untroubled

about being content

about being composed

about being free from strife

Patience is:

The quality of being able to persevere under pressure with a good heart and mind. 

about endurance without complaint

not easily provoked

having a calm expectation 

being even tempered

a quiet persistence in the nature of God

Kindness is:

being considerate

being thoughtful towards someone

being benevolent

being compassionate

being generous

being loving

showing superior qualities of grace

Goodness is:

about looking out for someone's welfare

Acting with honor

being favorable towards someone

blessing someone

lifting someone up

giving someone a divine advantage

Faithfulness is:

being consistent

being constant

being unceasing

being firm in your promise

being loyal

being reliable

being unwavering

keeping your word

being trustworthy

Gentleness is:

about having a powerful humility

being meek.. understanding that meekness is strength under control 

being merciful

being sweet spirited like a dove

being tenderhearted 

Overcoming 

Self Control is:

about being restrained 

having a good frame of heart and mind

exercising discretion

believing the best about someone

being composed, disciplined and even tempered

having a moderating influence on people and situations

Written above are all the attributes that God regularly practices in relationship with us....Now it is my choice to learn and practice to relate back with Him in the same way..

I'm just going to confess. this doesn't look easy.. but it looks like it will produce a lot of good in me..

So, what to do next? I guess I will print off this post and keep it with me over the next 40 days to remind me how I am to respond to God, myself, others and my circumstances. I will keep you posted on what I "witness" along the way:) I can already confess that I have told myself twice while writing this post that "Love is not easily provoked" I guess I'm going to be a witness to  many changes over the next 40 days:) 

We conquer by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony

"And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death."- Revelations 12:11 ASV

I wanted to post today for two reasons.. 1. To share my testimony of how "The Lord works all things for our good" this is how we conquer the evil one and his affects on our lives. 2. I promised The Lord a long time ago that I would document this journey ... And now we can all share in seeing His goodness in the land of the living.. 

One memory that stands out in my mind as I look back is one that I had during a Beth Moore conference. She asked the audience, " Who are you mad at?". I sat for a moment and then I heard my answer loud and clear.. I'm mad at satan... The fallen selfish angel... who because he could not have his way... Is trying now to destroy my way. His attack on us from the very beginning of time was to make us believe we could not trust God.. That He was holding out on us.. That He was keeping us from all things good. This was and is the same lie that He uses to temp us all .. Especially when we walk through suffering. 

At the beginning of my journey I was not a Christ follower. I believed He existed but I did not believe His heart was good for me. I just believed if I could somehow do enough good things that it would keep His eye off me and by the sheer grace of God I would make the cut to enter into the pearly gates ... Comparison helped me justify this.. I mean I wasn't nearly as bad as some of the others I witnessed .. And surely they were making the grade curve low enough so I could squeak in... Right?

This was such wrong thinking... 

As I look back and remember today ... Yes, It is filled with heartbreak and sorrow but today it is also filled with so much joy and peace too.. I have a tradition that I like to to do every 23rd of December ..I like to go back and read in the bible that Jack scribbled in..
It was a bible I had never read before this time in my life. I had never opened it to seek any  guidance or hope... But for some reason I opened it the day after jacks accident and was amazed by what I saw.. Jack must have known I would be looking for hope.. And so he scribbled on the chapter of Isaiah 43 .. For many years I read this and found comfort but I also found pain.. I felt like God was telling me.. I have chosen you to tell a story of how someone makes it through tragedy.. So pull up your bootstraps and get to it.. My heart was always a little sad because I didn't want this mission.. But I would do it if I had to.
This past year as I read the chapter I saw it in a whole new light.. I saw it as a love letter that Jesus was sending me from above... He knew I was going to be walking through great tragedy and this was Him telling me He would never let me go..That is was His job to make the story worth telling.. not my job to tell a story of just tragedy but of redeeming love and restoration of lost and heartbroken lives.. It would be Jesus' work to give me a new heart and mine job to share what a life looks like after being carried and cared for through the storm.. Its been a long journey but one that has changed my life forever and for good:)

I wanted to add the pictures today to show you just what the Lord wanted me to know as I walked  through the past 9 years..He pursued me even when I was not pursuing Him...My favorite lines I will Highlight below.. take them them to heart if you need hope today.. there is enough to share.. The Lord is good.. He is faithful and will be your Shepard.. Your Companion .. and your friend .. He will never let go of your hand...

Israel's Only Savior

43 But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
    he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
4 Because you are precious in my eyes,
    and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
    peoples in exchange for your life.
5 Fear not, for I am with you;
    I will bring your offspring from the east,
    and from the west I will gather you.
6 I will say to the north, Give up,
    and to the south, Do not withhold;
bring my sons from afar
    and my daughters from the end of the earth,
7 everyone who is called by my name,
    whom I created for my glory,
    whom I formed and made.”

8 Bring out the people who are blind, yet have eyes,
    who are deaf, yet have ears!
9 All the nations gather together,
    and the peoples assemble.
Who among them can declare this,
    and show us the former things?
Let them bring their witnesses to prove them right,
    and let them hear and say, It is true.
10 “You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord,
    “and my servant whom I have chosen,
that you may know and believe me
    and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
    nor shall there be any after me.
11 I, I am the Lord,
    and besides me there is no savior.
12 I declared and saved and proclaimed,
    when there was no strange god among you;
    and you are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “and I am God.
13 Also henceforth I am he;
    there is none who can deliver from my hand;
    I work, and who can turn it back?”

14 Thus says the Lord,
    your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:
“For your sake I send to Babylon
    and bring them all down as fugitives,
    even the Chaldeans, in the ships in which they rejoice.
15 I am the Lord, your Holy One,
    the Creator of Israel, your King.”

16 Thus says the Lord,
    who makes a way in the sea,
    a path in the mighty waters,
17 who brings forth chariot and horse,
    army and warrior;
they lie down, they cannot rise,
    they are extinguished, quenched like a wick:
18 “Remember not the former things,
    nor consider the things of old.
19 Behold, I am doing a new thing;
    now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
    and rivers in the desert.
20 The wild beasts will honor me,
    the jackals and the ostriches,
for I give water in the wilderness,
    rivers in the desert,
to give drink to my chosen people,
21     the people whom I formed for myself
that they might declare my praise.

22 “Yet you did not call upon me, O Jacob;
    but you have been weary of me, O Israel!
23 You have not brought me your sheep for burnt offerings,
    or honored me with your sacrifices.
I have not burdened you with offerings,
    or wearied you with frankincense.
24 You have not bought me sweet cane with money,
    or satisfied me with the fat of your sacrifices.
But you have burdened me with your sins;
    you have wearied me with your iniquities.

25 “I, I am he
    who blots out your transgressions for my own sake,
    and I will not remember your sins.
26 Put me in remembrance; let us argue together;
    set forth your case, that you may be proved right.
27 Your first father sinned,
    and your mediators transgressed against me.
28 Therefore I will profane the princes of the sanctuary,