I AM with you

"When I joined the ranks of humanity, born into the humblest conditions, My Glory was hidden from all but a few people. Occasionally, streaks of Glory shone out of Me, especially when I began to do miracles. Toward the end of My life, I was taunted and tempted to display more of My awesome Power than My Father’s plan permitted. I could have called down legions of angels to rescue Me at any point. Imagine the self-control required of a martyr who could free Himself at will! All of this was necessary to provide the relationship with Me that you now enjoy. Let your life become a praise song to Me by proclaiming My glorious Presence in the world."

Sarah Young

As I look back over the past few days I am in complete Awe of what God has done. Our family is in the midst of walking through a miracle this week. I feel like we have just won the lottery.  His love and relentless pursuit to bind my broken heart overwhelms me.

 My journal entry today is my way of building an alter of  remembrance of
 Gods goodness and deliverance. 

As I read my devotional this morning my thoughts went back over the past 7 years. Our battle through grief has been brutal and beautiful all at the same time. It's always brutal in the beginning and then God makes something beautiful of it. 

Our journey with our oldest daughter, Maddie, has been by far the hardest after Jack. When we saw that Maddie's grief was driving her away from our lives and home, we became very concerned. Mostly because we did not know what to do. It was a season of learning the difference between enabling and true love (some call it tough love) What ever you call it .. I call it hard.

I learned that I was an enabler and it was driven by my fear of losing another child. God called me to the task of mothering Maddie in a way that did not feel very motherly. He provided  Godly counsel to  walk beside me for 5 long years. They held my hand and helped me with every tough love decision. I would recommend two things for anyone walking this journey.. counsel and ear plugs. Counsel from the Holy Spirit and those filled with the Holy Spirit walking with sight provided by the loving words of God. The ear plugs are for you.. put them in your ears when the masses start to tell you why your wrong.. that your not loving her in the right way. Somehow, in my heart I knew if I loved her the way most told me to, that I would be either loving her to her grave or to a life long strained relationship that would never heal. My mother's heart wanted only the best for my daughter.. my gift from God deserved healing and a whole heart.. not people who agreed with her brokenness!

I have been hurt deeply by this process primarily because it has been so lonely. I knew that I had to cover Maddie's journey with grace as much as humanly possible.. and I knew that I could not defend myself by explaining  to the masses why I was loving right and they were loving wrong.. only time and God would tell the end of this story. So I patiently waited.. cried, screamed, stomped my feat and pitched many fits in my closet alone with my Heavenly Father. The whole season He kept reminding me of how Christ felt as he walked with our cross on His back to die for our sins. He never defended Himself.. because He knew His Father would. And Boy.. did He! And, we all reaped the benefits.

Well, I'm glad I listen to God on this one.. because if I would have tried to defend myself or force my plan,  His incredible plan would not be apparent today. My waiting brought about a plan that I never could  have imagined in my wildest dreams.

Let me give you a peak at last week.. 

We were pretty much at our wits ends with finding Maddie the care she needed. Her doctors  recommended a recovery plan that frankly we just couldn't afford.. much less find the specific doctors they had recommended. There was only 1 doctor in our network that fit the description of what she needed and I couldn't even get him to answer the phone when I called to make an appointment.
 This past Thursday, I discuss this issue with my mentor and we pray about it. We conclude with.. pray for the direction and wait for God's prevision.  
On Friday, we felt like we found provision in the form of a counseling center near by our home. That afternoon to take a tour. By the end of the tour we think it would be a good fit.. but still out of our budget. That evening we are a little weary because we feel like we had found a place but know that Maddie may not agree. We try not to focus on what Maddie might say and focus on what God may be providing her. If God wanted this to be the place for Maddie we were trusting He would provide the resources.  Late Friday afternoon, we make plans to tell her on Sunday night. Time to put down the worry and head off to a Christmas party at Smith's mom's house. 

On the way over, I get a call. 

It was a producer from the Dr. Phil show.. they wanted to ask me questions about my families journey through grief. They also wanted to know about our struggle with Maddie. My heart started to race from excitement but also from fear.  Would Maddie agree to participate and how would other family members react? I knew that no one wanted to go on live television to make a spectacle of our life's fragile story. 
 However, I did feel like If anyone could help Maddie it would be Dr. Phil. This would certainly be a dream come true. 
At first Maddie said no and so did Smith. It was getting close to our "hard time of the year" (Dec. 23) and going on t.v. to talk about very person pain was not something they were very interested in. I kept in contact with the producer and they reassured me that they would not mishandle our story or represent Maddie and her pain in a shameful way. 
By Saturday night everyone had reluctantly agreed to go on the show. 
Sunday afternoon we landed in LA and began the emotionally draining process of retelling our story of the journey through grief and the toll it has taken on our family. 
Monday, 9 am, we are waiting to walk on stage to meet Dr. Phil. At the same time, He is welcoming the audience and telling them that he is exhausted. He just returned from Sandy Hook where he had been meeting with families affected by the recent shootings. He was obviously heartbroken by what he had just encountered. He explained to the audience that he took a team of 16 doctors, nothing but the best in the nation, to help counsel the grieving families. When I heard him talk about the team of doctors, I remembered that just a few days prior I could only find one doctor back home that may or may not be able to help Maddie. 

I begin to see God's hand at work. 

Next we find ourselves on stage sitting under the counsel of the Nations best doctor for Maddies condition. And so began the process of unraveling her big ball of grief. He tell's her things no other doctor has told her before and then offers her help.. a plan.. what we had been looking for 7 long heartbreaking years. I felt like we had just been given a pearl of great value. 

When he discovered a pearl of great value, he sold everything he owned and bought it!

Matthew 13:46

One week latter and I cant believe what has transpired. A Christmas miracle has occurred and I wanted to share His glory with the you. I have waited a long time with God, wondering if He would provide, wondering if He would defend, wondering if I had made the right decisions, wondering if I had heard His voice correctly... "wait child, die to your plan,  die to your reputation and your will.. because I will deliver you in a way that my glory will shine through you and restore you family. My way is the only way for true whole and holy life to be restored."

My obedience to Him, telling a story of hope without one in sight, is now being seen not only through my eyes of faith but for all to eyes see!

May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together—spirit, soul, and body—and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ. 

1 Thessalonians 5:23 (The Message)

Hope's Unexpected Gift

"He who has not looked on sorrow will never see joy"
Kahlil Gibran

I wanted to share the story of a special gift I received this Christmas. It was very unexpected and a complete surprise even in the way it was delivered. Let me begin by giving you a little bit of history so you can appreciate the gift.

This Christmas will be the 7th year we have spent with out our dearly missed son, "Jack". For the most part Christmas is hard for our family. It's hard when what should be a joyous occasion is covered with the scare of such a terrible accident that resulted in the loss of a loved one. It seemed impossible with each passing year, for the season of Christmas to ever regain the feelings it once held  . We try hard as a family to honor God and the dear birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus. We also try hard to honor one another and respect what each family member wants to make of the season. Lots of grace and space have allowed us to make it this far.. for the most part I am very grateful for where we have landed. But I have to say that my heart still becomes very weary by the yolk we try to carry..

 the mostly fake smile on our face and the great lonely sorrow in our heart.

As the Christmas season approached this year, I found myself in a different place. I had promised God back in August that I would begin to tell a story of hope even if I could not see one yet. I also took to heart the words spoken to me by my sweet daughter, "I really love Christmas.. I love the way our house looks at Christmas..." I allowed those words to seep into my heart and they gave me the courage to make a choice.. to enjoy the season, because it means a lot to her.

I really believed this would be a lot of me pretending and trying like the past.. but something was different.. the yolk seemed lighter. I seemed to be enjoying the season with less effort more laughter and creativity. I was unaware of what was going on until last Thursday night.

 We attended a prayer service last week with my oldest daughter who is recovering from a horrible car accident. I asked her if she would like to go and receive prayer for the obvious wounds on her face and the not so obvious ones on her heart. She hesitantly agreed, but threw caution to the wind because she is weary from her heavy burdens.

I was not thinking at this point that God would have anything for me... I was there for her. I would do anything for her, even deny my own burdens if hers had the hope to be lifted.

That's a Mother's heart...

There's a saying that your only as happy as your saddest child. I believed that for a long time. I lived that for a long time. But as my days become more infused with the Fathers presence I have come to a new understanding. I can not live there! If I do there is no hope for the saddest child. As mothers, our job is to forge through the uncharted territory of our hearts. Dive deep down to rip out the root of the problem.. more than just behavior modification.. allow Jesus to do real heart work in our lives. We lead by example, cheap talk is not welcome here. It's time to take action.. and it doesn't begin with the child.. it begins with you.

I heard a quote one time that said.. "If you as a mother are having trouble with your children, it may be caused by old wounds in your own heart that you have not allowed to heal."  Let me ask you a question... if you knew that healing your own heart would help your children heal theirs, would you even hesitate to do it. I mean this is a no brain-er! I have been allowing Jesus to work in my own heart for the past 7 years. I wanted my own heart healed because I knew this would be an essential ingredient for my daughters hearts to heal. I had to be an example of how Jesus binds up the brokenhearted...at first it was a messy.. but I knew if I stopped mid way they would have proof that He did really work.. or make our hearts whole again.

Today, I am living proof that God binds up our broken hearts! And this is my gift of hope this Christmas season.

As we prayed over my daughter last week, one of the prayer team ask our family a question. "Do you realize that Jack is God's son.. and that no matter how much you miss him .. you would never ask him to come back to this earth. He is at home with his Father.. and some day you will go to where he is."

Without hesitation I said, YES! I was so filled with peace at that moment of realizing how much healing Christ has done in my own heart. I said yes in the midst of messy circumstances with my oldest child.. knowing I would never want my dear son Jack to come back to this less than perfect world.

We left that night as a family filled with peace and the assurance of knowing God really works and can make hearts whole again. Time does not heal all wounds with out the constant pursuit of Jesus...! My history proves it.

Over the past few days I have been praying and thanking Christ for my healing.. you just don't know what a blessing it is to Smile this season and know its not me faking it. As I prayed He reminded me of how He has been preparing me for this season. I have been actually waiting for the end of year 7. I have felt like this would be a completing season and that something wonderful would happen.. and it has.. much to my surprise  God said to me.. Julie, your gift is joy and peace. I have given your great sorrow friends to journey with.. joy and peace. This is the Fathers heart for us.. and I am overwhelmed with His love and care for my heart.

Joy and Peace are gifts that can not be bought with anything other than the blood Jesus shed at the cross ..to give us our hearts back whole.. healed..

Isaiah 61

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,^a]

² to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.

⁴ They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
⁵ Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
⁶ And you will be called priests of the Lord,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.

⁷ Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.

⁸ “For I, the Lord, love justice;
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
⁹ Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the Lord has blessed.”

¹⁰ I delight greatly in the Lord;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
¹¹ For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations.

The Fight For Your Heart





"The story of your life is the story of the long and brutal assault on your heart

by the one who knows what you could be and fears it."

- John Eldredge

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
 Jesus of Nazareth (John 10:10)

I am feeling the need to apologize for the movie clip that I have added for this journal entry. It is rather dark and disturbing, yet I feel it is necessary. My flesh does not want to disrupt or disturb any one's day with such a dark illustration, but my heart whispers, its worth the risk. 

So far my journey, my testimony has been has been filled with it's fair share of loss.. and I'm positive yours has been as well.  No one in their right mind would choose to read my posts unless they needed a friend to walk with along their own journey of loss. What I hear Christ calling me to do at this point of my journey  is to look up from loss to hope. I made Him a promise to tell my testimony of hope, even if there is not one yet visible to the naked eye.

"They won the victory over him because of the blood of the lamb and the word of their testimony. They didn't love their life so much that they refused to give it up."
- Revelation 12:11


I believe there is a battle that is unseen to most of us. And the way we win the battle is sharing our testimony, our story of God's Glory in our life. Your testimony will most likely be one of how you battled for your very own heart.  When you were born, you were born as a sinner into a sinful world. One question you may have is, " If God made me, then why and how can I be a sinner at birth? For the bible tells us 

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."

Psalm 139:13

Yes, He created us, knit us together in our mothers womb. He deposited with in us a destiny, a glory, a story that is up to each of us to uncover, to find and live out while here on this earth.  This treasure is found in our hearts.  We only become aware of this when we are born for the second time.. not a physical birth.. our spiritual birth. 

"For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives."

- Romans 6:4

Most of my life I believed my heart was bad, not to be trusted. Yet the Bible tells us that when we come to Christ and accept Him as our Lord and savior He gives a new heart that we must guard because it determines the course of our life. 

"Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life."

-Proverbs 4:23

My heart is hard to listen to at times. It yearns for more love, more life and both more abundantly. When I hear it call out for these desires, I get frustrated because I just don't believe I can have more. The multiple attacks by the enemy in this past season led me to believe this lie. He tried to cover my new heart of flesh with  shame and hopelessness. He tried to get me to agree with him.. that my life is about loss and enduring. Not true.. Big lie.. and I finally had enough. It was time to return from the wilderness. To tell a story of what it is like to be tempted to loose heart, but because of Gods presence in my life, it was impossible for the enemy to win. My heart of stone may have led me to the wilderness again, but while I was there I discovered God's heart of flesh was real and worth fighting for. 

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh" - Ezekiel 36:26

So, I want to challenge you all today. Do you see the battle in your own life over your heart? Are you discouraged? Do you believe your heart is good and worth fighting for? Set aside some time to ask God about your discouraged heart.. let Him reveal to you the rare beauty within your heart. It is in this place that you will begin to see an end to the darkness. 

Take in this truth as you talk with God today..

"We have been made alive in Christ. Just as we received our sinful nature from Adam, we receive our good and Holy nature from Christ. It has always been God's plan not just to forgive you, but RESTORE you."

A vision of hope

"Where there is no vision, the people perish."

- King Solomon

One month ago, vision came to me through an assigned project. I was asked to construct a Hope journal by collecting random pictures from magazines that reminded me of hope. I had about 30 days to complete the assignment before I was expected to share my findings. On the 29th day I reluctantly began the project. If the truth be known, the only reason I pushed myself to do the project was because I did not want to let my mentor down. My weakness, pleasing and preforming, led me straight into the arms of Jesus. 

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
 -2 Corinthians 12:9-11

I gathered together a pile of magazines and began looking for hope. After about ten minutes, I realized that Southern living and Real simple magazine's were not the best place to find hopeful pictures. They wet my appetite for dinner and home decor, but didn't satisfy my hunger for hope. So, I moved on to the internet where I found a series of national geographical'ish pictures that seemed to do the job. I download about 35 pictures to a memory disc and rushed up to Walmart to have them developed. While I was there I grabbed a composition note book and glue stick to complete my project. I rushed back home and began pasting pictures in my "hope"notebook.

I was told not to think too much about what pictures I chose or in what order they should go in the journal. I was at ease with this, but I could not decided which picture should go first. My heart kept leaning to a picture, that in my opinion, did not best represent HOPE. After struggling with my decision, I decided to follow the instructions by obediently submitting to trust the process.  This was the picture my heart wanted me to put first..

After securing it in,  I sat and stared at if for a while. At first I saw a women desperately holding on to life. I saw tragedy and fear. Then my heart began to see a glimmer of hope. Look at all the firefighters and ambulances at the sight of this accident. Look at them protecting her, rescuing her, her only HOPE. I then wrote several scriptures and quotes around the picture that spoke about How God will fight for us when we are in trouble. 

The first three scriptures were.. 

"Surely the Lord was fighting for Israel"  - Joshua 10:14 

 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" Exodus 14:14 

"The Lord your God, who is going before you will fight for you as he did for you in Egypt before your very eyes" 

Deuteronomy 1:30.

I spent most of the time I had to complete this project on this 1st picture.. so for the other 34 pictures I just wrote down a few quotes, no scripture. It was time to rush to my meeting with my mentor.. when I arrived she met me at the door with a very puzzled look. She said, "Julie our meeting isn't until tomorrow, and I cant fit you in today." I laughed and said I will see you tomorrow, no big deal. Later that evening I decided to take Bella on a walk. I was a bit anxious about some circumstances in my life so I thought a good brisk walk and conversation with God would help. As I was headed up the last hill, almost home, I saw a car coming my way. It happened to be my car and my youngest daughter was driving it. I remember thinking to myself, I hope she is going to ask me if she can take the car and go to the store. Somehow I knew this would not be the case.. I knew in my heart that she was about to deliver bad news. Your spirit always knows before your mind does.. She looked at me and said ..."It's Maddie, she's been in an accident".

I had been waiting for this moment for the past two and half years. Not that I wanted this moment, I just knew it would be something tragic that would lead us back to relationship. We had no contact what so ever during this time period. It was very hard for me to accept but I knew she needed space and time to sort thorough her pain. I have come to learn that to honor her distance was the most loving thing I could do as a parent. 

With in moments I find myself being rushed to the hospital so we can see her before she goes into surgery. My mind is racing with thoughts. Why are they waiting on us? Will she live? Will she even want to see me?

When we arrive, I am scared to death.. she looks horrible. I grab her hand... this feels awkward... We tell her that we are here and we love her. The doctors meet with us and tell us she is very lucky, no broken bones, just a lot of cuts. After 4 hours of surgery everyone goes home to get some sleep and I find myself alone in a hospital room holding her hand as she sleeps. I am reeling from the drama that is unfolding.. I am fighting the temptation to react.. to agree with the lie that I always find myself suffering... I want to act differently this time..

Frederick Buechner says we are in constant danger of being reactors in the drama of our lives rather than actors..

"In our lives in the world, the temptation is always to go where the world takes us, to drift with whatever current happens to be running strongest. When good things happen, we rise to heaven; when bad things happen, we descend to hell. When the world strikes out at us, we strike back, and in one way or another the world blesses us, our spirits soar."- Frederick Buechner

I pray silently through the night and and find peace. The next morning my husband brings me a change of clothes and my book bag that was packed with my bible and my hope journal. I did not ask him to bring me my journal .. but I believe God wanted me to have it... I reached down grabbed it and opened it to the first page. My heavy heart was encouraged as I stared in amazement at what I had constructed the day before. Coincidence or Providence?  A hurried project just transformed before my very eyes  into a love letter of hope from my Savior, Jesus!

He whispered to me...

                                    "Surely the Lord was fighting for Israel"  - Joshua 10:14 

 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" Exodus 14:14 

"The Lord your God, who is going before you will fight for you as he did for you in Egypt before your very eyes" 

Deuteronomy 1:30.

He had been preparing me for this reunion.. and was helping me act from love instead of react from fear! I am walking by faith through this and handing it all over to God. I know He is nudging me with hope towards His hope-filled ending. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28

Brave

Great Spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
- Albert Einstein

 

Have you ever thought that a particular season of suffering in your life would never pass. It seems like I have been through many  trails over the past 7 years and I began to think this would be my life. As if there was  a poster with my face on it and the caption read, "Poster child for enduring".  It really felt as if God was picking on me... but I have come to understand the God was picking out of me ways of thinking that held me back. I came to realize this over the past year.

 It began with examining my thoughts. 


"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

2 Corinthians 10:5 NLT

clue's of what I realized that my thoughts did not line up with Gods truth. My reactions to current circumstances became the evidence and the needed change. 

Our nature always bears witness to what we believe in our hearts. 

At first, my nature was to hunker down and lower my expectations, so I could be satisfied by merely surviving. Then I would find myself fighting in my own strength to manipulate the circumstance so it would end the way I needed it to. Both ways of thinking were motivated by fear...hmmm..not of God! 

"There is no fear in love." - The Apostle Paul

First clue, my motivation of fear needed to be changed to a motivation of love! It seemed foolish at the time to hope again for a good ending, but I believe that is what God was calling me to do. My new nature was calling me to hopeful remembrance and new vision. 

"The world can be kind, and it can be cruel. It can be beautiful, and it can be appalling. It can give us good reason to hope and good reason to give up all hope. It can strengthen our faith in a loving God, and it can decimate our faith."

- Frederick Buechner

As I looked back in remembrance of the past 7 years, a lot has happened. I could look at two ways, the old way (motivated by fear) or in a new way (motivated by love) A lot of destruction, or could it be clearing away things that hindered me? It is easy to look through the eyes of fear at all of the evidence before you to assume all is lost. It's also not very hard to find others who will agree with you. Settling for less is so easy after you present your case to all who will listen. Their response is always agreement with sympathy, "Oh my, you have been through so much, you deserve a break. I would never get out of bed if I were in your shoes." This response invites me to a world of apathy that cause's me to live as a victim. In this world we are focused on our circumstances and the pain they cause. This is the wrong focus because it never allows us to look above them to trust the one who is in control of it all. Think about it, there is more than enough suffering in the world..it's overwhelming! It will keep us in a merry-go-round cycle all of our life ..If we let it. It comes down to choice. 

You choose!

A victim never thinks they have choice. They believe that bad things just happen and they have to deal with it. It's really the path of least resistance. 

Choosing to hope requires courage, vision and patience.

I'll share a time where remeberance and new vision helped me look up to trust in love instead of looking down to fear. We had just moved into our new home last year. The move was an unwelcomed circumstance in our life, but Gods finger prints were all over it. The house we lived in ten years prior to the move  was located on Battlefield Road, our new home is now located on Stillwaters Drive. ..hmmm,  makes you think. I believe that God was making a clear statement to our family that our season of battling was over. It is now a new season of stillwaters, rest. It has not been an easy transition of thinking. Often, I find my thoughts drifting back to the old way of thinking. It happens when we have new struggles. I want to agree that we will always struggle, but I know God wants me to agree that He is bigger than my struggle.

When we moved into the new house, we  decided to get a new puppy. We needed something that prompted us to love. We adopted a sweet dog and her name was jewels. She brought much joy to our house. It is amazing how a dog can remind us of what  "unconditional love" looks like. A small but welcomed change in our house. Jewels was part bulldog, and part beagle. Her nature was to hunt. If she caught a scent she was easily lured away from the safety of our yard. Yep, again she was lured away and hit by a car. She took her last breath as we brought her back to the house. I know dogs get hit by cars everyday.. no big deal. This was a big deal for me. All we were looking for was a little happiness.. and this had to happen? Really, God? Here we go.. I guess I am the poster child for suffering. As my thoughts gravitated to this way of thinking, I remembered thinking.. no, we live at stillwaters now! This is a time of rest and regeneration! I will not agree the enemy.. My thought was never again will I go through this.. no more grief .. no more dogs! Then I felt hope calling out from my heart, no, I do want another dog. She brought so much love and joy to our home. This desire was motivated by love, not fear...It took courage to stay with that hope, but I'm glad I did. Today we have a new puppy, Bella, and she has brought hope, faith and love back into our home and hearts. I'm learning to lean on hope these days and that is making all the difference. 

This snapshot reveals a glimpse of what hope looks like. It takes courage to enter into this reality.  It requires us to envision something that is not there yet. If you have something already, you don't need to hope for it (Romans 8:24). And can you see how hoping causes us to love in ways that would not be possible without a new vision of what might be? The anticipation of hope is always life giving.

"Love bears all things, hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things"

-1 Corinthians 13:7

Terrible beauty

"Yearning for God is not safe if you want to stay as you are. If you yearn for God, a sacred presence will begin to fill you. It will hover over you, nudging you to a new and eternal life. It will mean, of course, a radical change from your old lifestyle, for God will come and upset your entire life with a haunting presence, a presence that is both terrible and beautiful. It will be terrible beauty." - Macrina Wiederkehr

I want to be honest about the journey of faith, hope and love. Mostly because I want others to see that it's a lifelong journey. You don't learn to walk by faith without understanding that it's a learning process. It takes practice and yes, you will mess up and make many mistakes along the way. You will realize in the beginning just how scared you are to fail. For me, if I knew I couldn't do it right the first time I wouldn't do it at all. Really all this did was keep me from trying new things. I say all this to explain how hard it was for me to accept the process of learning how to walk by faith and not by sight.

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the up coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Let me share with you one of the first ways God showed me how to fix my eyes on the unseen to allow Him to begin making new life in me with His unfolding grace.  Scribbled on the 5th page of my 1st journal written at the beginning of my journey.

PRAY  >  HOPE  > GRACE  >  FAITH  = RIGHTEOUSNESS

I believe God gave me this example or formula to think of as I was allowing God to work in me. Now, let me be very clear, I am not trying to fit God into a formula. This was just a tool God gave me to help me understand the process and helped me be patient during the process. 

This is how I read the formula : 

Julie, pray for hope (hope for any concerns, fears etc. in my life).This opens the door to my heart to allow grace (Jesus) in who will do the work of faith on the inside of me. To produce righteousness from me. 

This is how I see it working.. kind like a washing machine. I will have a difficult circumstance in my life. I will pray to God for hope concerning this circumstance. God gives me hope to hold onto while grace works out the bad in me until it becomes good.. or righteousness...more Christ like than world like. For example, I might have angry or bitter feelings towards someone. My clue that God needs to work on me is the feeling of bitterness.. I pray about the  situation, allow Him to work. If I begin to worry again about it during the day, I remind myself that I have given this over to Jesus and He is working it out. I know He has changed me when bitterness has changed to the need to forgive. This process can take a while...but it helps me to focus on watching the change in me instead of the change in my circumstance. 

The first time I remember seeing this formula help me was about 6 years ago. I was dealing with someone I love very much. I was trying to help them through a tough time where they had made bad decisions that had cause a lot of unnecessary pain in their life. My intent was to help by offering kind words of encouragement and an action plan for help. All I received for hours were objections, cut downs... It was just one big fight. After a couple of hours my heart was so tired, I just wanted to give up. I was just about to walk out and I remembered my formula, I also heard God say, "Hold on, I'm not done yet". Right after that I received a text message from a good friend. This person had no idea that I was in a "battle" . The message was- "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."-Hebrews 11:1 As I read this I knew that God was going to do something.. just not sure what. I dropped my head to pray silently to myself as more uncomfortable moments of silence passed  and then I heard "Why do you still love me when I act so bad?" My heart nearly jumped out of my chest.. I ran over and gave the biggest hug and said I will always love you no matter what you do. My job is to love and help you!

My heart changed from bitter to compassion all in that one moment. I will never forget how terribly beautiful it was! The process is kind of like the video clip above. Keep going and never give up because you may just find that you can do this walk of faith and end up in the in zone one day!

   

Hope

"Start with the end in mind"
-Stephen Covey

I heard Jesus speak to my heart yesterday. He said, "It's time to tell your story." I wrestled with this all day. My biggest concern was that my story doesn't  have a hopeful ending just yet. Then He reminded me of what He has been teaching me for the past seven years..

How to walk by faith and not by sight.

 It has been especially hard for the past 3 years. Our family has experienced new losses that produced suffering that felt almost as bad as letting go of Jacks presence while here on earth.

At the beginning of this year, I found myself pondering over how everything had settled. It seemed as if God had let me go through a season of letting go of everything I held  dear to my heart. It's storm like destruction blew through my relationships, my reputation,  and my financial security until all that was left was a blank canvas. It seemed a bit hopeless. I felt stripped of all that was familiar to me and was beginning to think this was my destiny. I remember one morning feeling very defeated as I was asking God about my future. I could not see one in sight for myself. He reminded me of another time when I had felt this way, it was after Jack's death. He then asked me a question. Julie, do you remember the weapon I gave you to fight against the despair of grief? My thoughts went back to my first journal written in an ordinary red spiral notebook. The first sentence of my journal was,

 "There will always be war until the heart changes".

 I prayed for my heart to change so the war with in me would stop. I questioned why God  would allow such tragedy to fall upon my family. His reply to me was, pray for hope. He showed how praying for hope opened the door to my heart and invited Grace in ...He was changing my heart to feel more like He did than I did.

He began teaching me that hope is what we hold on to while grace does the work of faith in us, changes us to be more like Christ, this we cannot do for ourselves.. Only Christ can do it, but we have to invite Him in to do the work. 

I believe that God was showing me how this new season of loss was leading me to despair. By  definition, despair is the opposite of hope. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. I know from my past experience with God that He works all things for the good of those who love Him. I know that He has plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. I know He is love. I know He loves me. I know He is a God of great promises and He cannot, will not lie to me. So with that being said, I believe He is asking me to hope again. I am a little fearful to hope because what if my hopes don't turn out the way I hoped? C.S. Lewis said it best, "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." As I prayed that morning, I confessed my fears to hope, left them at the feet of Jesus and promised Him I would pray again for hope that would  open the door of my heart again to His grace. I also agreed to begin to tell my story with this end in sight... that no matter what it looks like I know God's glory will shine bright for all to see His good and mighty work in and through my life. 
Today I will be obedient to tell my story of hope. Not yet by sight, but by faith I will stay focused on the horizon of hope to discover my new land!